Yo, I Gotsta Read This Story!
DISCLAIMER: I don not Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy Productions do. I also do not own Kenny Fisher, or anything from Can't Hardly Wait. I suppose that Columbia Pictures and Harry Elfont and Deborah Kaplan do, but I'm not sure. I did not mean any harmful plagiarism or anything in the writing of Oz's lines in this story. Please don't sue, I'm not making any money off of this at all, and there is no way that I'm meaning to break the law.
Title: Yo, I Gotsta Read This Story! Part one
Author: Perry
E-mail: icemulder@hotmail.com
Characters: Oz, Ensemble
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: Lots of Seth Green Movie lines
Disclaimer: I do not Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy Productions do. I also do not own Kenny Fisher, or anything from Can't Hardly Wait. I suppose that Columbia Pictures and Harry Elfont and Deborah Kaplan do, but I'm not sure. I did not mean any harmful plagiarism or anything in the writing of Oz's lines in this story. Please don't sue, I'm not making any money off of this at all, and there is no way that I'm meaning to break the law.
Summary: Oz gets hit on the head, and suddenly can't control a thing he says. Everything that comes out of his mouth belongs to another. I Can't Hardly Wait to hear what you think of this story, if you know what I mean.
Author's notes: SPOILERS: It would REALLY help to see Can't Hardly Wait to understand any of this fan fiction, because the voice makes it all the more funny.

PLOT: In case no one gets it, Oz is saying lines directly from Kenny Fisher's part in Can't Hardly Wait.  No copyright infringement meant.


Oz was sitting on the picnic table, waiting for them. He was absently strumming his guitar, thinking 'serious' thoughts. He didn't notice the other two scoobies, slayer and the watcher come up from behind him. Oz jumped a little when Willow addressed him by name.
"Oz, that was good. What do you call that?" WIllow asked, pointing to the electric guitar.
Oz was taken aback due to the element of surprise, but he answered quickly enough, "Just mindless strumming. No actual music."
"It was beautiful," Xander said, slightly in awe.
Everyone stared at him.
"What?"
"I thought you were going for that 'macho man' look?" Willow stumbled.
Oz began to smile. "I think he captured Macho Man very well."
"What? Just because I said beautiful it makes me a Village Person?!" Xander looked at Giles for help.
"Well, Xander, I don't know. They're only teasing," Giles tried not to laugh.
Xander shrugged it all away, clearly not understanding a single joke.

"So, what took you guys?" Oz asked, putting away his guitar.
"Unexpected slaying in the form of a teacher," Buffy groaned, "Mr. Walkers was always so resourceful, no wonder he found a way to walk around in daytime."

Willow nodded and sat down beside Oz, "So, you want to come patrol with us before the party tonight?"

"I have to practice before we play at the party" Oz said, getting off the table and kneeling on the ground, to zip up his case.
"Yeah, well you could get out of it," Buffy said, sitting over him, "I think slaying bad guys is a little more important than practicing something you can already do."
"That's what I say about homework!"
"Xander, you don't know how to do the homework in the first place, you don't have an excuse!" Willow shook her hair out of her face, "So Oz--"

Oz sat up to answer her, but ended up banging his head on the bottom of the picnic table.
He fell back suddenly and blacked out for a minute.

"Oz?"
"Oz are you alright?"
"Someone get the nurse," WIllow said, panicking.

Oz sat up slowly, coming to.
"Oz are you okay?"
"I'm slamming," he mumbled, to low for anyone to hear.
I'm slamming??

"You sure you're alright? Well, okay. You still want to come patrolling with us?' Willow asked hopefully.

Oz glared at her, then stood up, then said in this weird rapper white 'homeboy' voice, "Why y'all gotta waste my flavour? Damn!" And he stalked away, obviously pissed.
I meant to say 'sure'.
"Oz?" Xander asked cautiously, but Oz kept walking.
A little upset, Willow followed him, "Oz, what's wrong?"
Oz didn't answer, he was too confused to answer.
"Oz!" Willow grabbed his shirt sleeve and spun him around, "What's wrong?" she asked sternly.
Say nothing. No, say that you had no control over what you just said. Say that wasn't you! Aw, hell Oz, say anything!

"Damn woman. Why you gotta be such a raging' bitch?"
SMACK
Oz stumbled backwards from Willow's blow to his cheek.
Yeah, Oz, you really shouldn't have said anything at all.

"Oz, what the hell is wrong with you? You're acting all-- all black!"

I don't know!!

"You got no-- you have... no idea what you're talkin' about!" Oz began to walk away, not trusting himself to say more.
"You are not going to talk to me like that then just walk away!" Willow snapped, trying to grab him again.
Oz could tell she was furious, and tried his hardest to say 'I'm sorry.' Instead...
"Watch me, G," Oz snapped his fingers and walked away.

Willow burst into tears and ran to Buffy, Xander and Giles. Oz looked back, but couldn't say anything helpful except, "You the man, Kenny."
Kenny?!

Oz ran away, knowing that Buffy's wrath was right around the corner.
But instead, Cordelia was right around the corner.
"MOVE WOMAN!" he screamed in the weird rapper voice.
He shoved Cordelia out of the way, and tried to run away, but something kept him.
"Geez, you little runt, what is wrong with you?" Cordelia asked, grumpy.

"I- I--,"Oz stumbled with the words, "I'm sorry," he whispered.

"Why are you being all dramatic?" Cordelia asked, turning a questioning look to Buffy and co., who had turned up around the corner.

"Oz, what's going on. And I want an Oz answer, not this homeboy thing you have going on," Buffy walked up to the werewolf.
She could see the fear in his eyes, she could tell something was the matter.

If only you could like, read my mind or something, you'd know I'm not meaning to say any of this!

"Come on, don't be like that," That was actually pretty good!, "I don't always talk like that." Okay keep this up man! "You don't even know me anymore."
Oz gasped at the look on Buffy's face, then ran like a woman.

Unfortunately for him, Buffy followed.

"Oz! Oz!" Buffy tackled him, and they both fell to the ground.
A few surrounding kids laughed.

"Oz, whatever you said made Willow, your girlfriend, start to sob!" Buffy kept Oz pinned down, so the rest of the scoobies could catch up.

Say something sensitive man!

"I swear I felt really bad afterwards!" he moaned, struggling with the slayers hold.

"Then apologize," Xander said, standing over him. Cordelia, Willow and Giles surrounded them.

Oz tried to think fast. How could he apologize? Wait, he did it before!
Just say I'm sorry. Like you said to Cordelia. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
"I gotta pee," Oz stood up and tried to break through the others.
"You bastard!" Willow shouted, and tried to stand in front of him.
"Are you gonna move or not, 'cause I'm gonna go," Oz pushed WIllow aside, a terrified look on his face.

Oz ran off, leaving them all behind with clueless looks on their faces.

******************THAT NIGHT- AT A PARTY****************
"You guys, Oz will be there, I don't want to go!" Willow fought with Xander and Buffy, but they refused to let Oz get in the way of Willow's good time.

At the party, Willow tried to stay as far away from the band as possible, but at some point in time found herself right in front of it.

Oz tried to catch her eye, but she refused to look at him.
He wanted to call out her name, but wasn't sure what he might say to her instead.
Finally the band was given a half hour break, so the DJ set up, and Oz made his way over to Willow.
Buffy blocked his path.
"What are you going to say to Willow?" she asked, ready to punch him.
I'm going to say something that I'm going to regret for the rest of my life because I can't say anything that I want to say.
Oz looked Buffy up and down, then focused on her high-heeled strappy shoes that couldn't have been more Barbie.

"The shoes," Oz moaned, gesturing towards her banana yellow strappies, "Those shoes!"
"What's wrong with my shoes?" Buffy looked down at her feet, she thought they look stylish.
"Are they for orthopedic purposes?" guessed Oz.
Buffy glared at him.
Oz shrugged and walked by her, but not before whispering in her ear, "Your feet smell."
Oz dodged her fist and ran to Willow, praying she would some how communicate with him.
"Oz," she said flatly looking away.
Oz took her hand and lead her outside.

Once they were outside there was an awkward silence. Neither of them wanted to speak, but for different reasons. Finally, Willow spoke.
"Oz have you been thinking about ending our relationship?"
"No, why have you?" Oz thanked the lord that that came out right. He didn't mean to say it, but it wasn't insulting.

"Oz I--" Willow was interrupted by Oz making a move to kiss her.
He wanted to kiss her for obvious reasons, but mostly because he couldn't think of anything charming to say. And, even if he could...

After the kiss broke, there was an even awkwarder (is that a word) silence, this time for the same reason.
"That was weird and uncomfortable," Willow announced, saddened.
Oz just nodded.
"Why are you so tense? Are you mad at me?" Willow looked hopefully into Oz's eyes.
He wished he could comfort her, but instead---
"Hey, how do you know it wasn't your fault?" Oz questioned, screaming at the gods inside his head.
"Excuse me?"
Once again, Oz prayed he wouldn't say anything stupid, "Cause my shit could've been slammin' with somebody else!"
That's it. He was converting to atheism.

Willow took what she wanted to think was her last look at her boyfriend, and ran to find Buffy.

Oz went to chase Willow, but Xander blocked his way.
"Hey, man," Xander said, pushing Oz backwards. Oz pushed him forwards.

"Why are you being such an asshole, man?" Xander pushed him again.

Xander, please don't do this!

"Why are you even talking to Willow man? In like 30 seconds you broke her heart. She was so madly in love with you that she even over looked the undeniable fact that you are a monster! We should have shot you with a silver bullet a long time ago, Ozzy boy. But we didn't. Ya know why? Because Willow loved you. She didn't care that you were just as bad as all the evil we stake everyday, she didn't care that you are a killer, she only cared about you! And know you've gone and messed everything up!" Xander made the move to punch Oz, but Oz got Xander in the eye first.

Xander fell backwards, moaning, and holding his eye.
Oz stood over him, "So what, were you like saving up all that stuff to tell me?" he asked, rubbing his fist.
Xander shrugged, and held his hand up.
Oz grabbed it and helped Xander off the ground.
Xander patted Oz on the back and they parted ways.

*****THE NEXT DAY*****SCHOOL********

Xander had an icepack over his eye, trying to keep down the swelling.
Cordelia, Xander, Willow, Buffy and Giles were all grouped together at the bench Oz had been sitting at, discussing him.
They all silenced themselves when Oz approached.
"What do you want?" Willow asked bitterly.
Luckily, Oz had a plan. He had been to the library earlier, and found some books.
To fulfill his plan, Oz grabbed Giles.
"Let go of me," Giles tried to get away, but Oz pulled him along, trying to get to the library.

Everyone followed.

"Oz what's wrong with you?" Giles asked as soon as they all reached the library.
Oz turned around and opened his mouth, but shook his head, refusing to say anything.
He went to the main table in the library, and picked up a stack of books, and pointed to the computer, where a book-marking list was up, and all of the bookmarked sites had something to do with whatever was going on with Oz.
Oz motioned them over, and handed some of the books to Giles, who flipped them open to the marked pages.
Giles gasped, and cleaned his glasses.
"What?" the scoobies were all confused.
"Is this true?" he asked Oz, who nodded quickly.

"What does it say?" WIllow asked Giles, refusing to look at Oz.
"Oz has picked out some selections of cases in which a person cannot seem to control what they say. They can think normally, but whenever they open their mouth, something else pops out."

"Oz is this true?" Cordelia looked at Oz thoughtfully, or as thoughtful as she can look...
"Yo, I better double bag it, I don't know where that girl been," Oz slapped his hand over his mouth, and nodded.

"So Oz, you have no control over what you say. You're just little Mr. Helpless werewolf who shouldn't be held accountable for what he says, no matter how much it hurts people?" Buffy asked skeptically.

"What about you, huh? What about you Miss Anti-social? Miss Walkin' around just, I think I'm so much better than everybody else? What about y-" Oz fell backwards, due to the slayer's blow to the stomach.

"Buffy! he can't control what he says! He's telling the truth! You think Oz would say that to you, or even say that much?" Willow finally defended Oz, who grinned inwardly.
Outwardly however, he said, "That's a fragrance of love-scented candle bitch. Damn."
Xander laughed a little as Oz sat down quickly and put his head down on the table.

"NOOOOO," he managed to reduce this to a whisper, but it was threatening to come out a scream

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