The Buffy Musical, Give Parodies A Chance

Title: The Buffy Musical, Give Parodies A Chance
Author: Perry
E-mail: icemulder@hotmail.com
Characters: Ensemble
Rating: PG-13

Author's notes: This takes place in a really weird timeline of events. It's in high school, season three. Um, Faith is good, but in a bad way. She's bad, but there isn't a mayor. And Wesley is there. BUT, Spike and Harmony from season four are in it. Before Spike got the chip I suppose, actually it doesn't matter. So they are dating but Spike hates her. You know what I'm talking about.


********************
"Willow, I just don't know what I'm gonna do. I gotta have Oz singing in our next gig, but he'll only do backup!" Devon complained to Willow, trying to get her to get Oz to be lead singer for a gig. Devon could have very well done the singing, but sometimes being a pain in the ass was just fun. Besides, Oz was better than he was (although nothing in the entire world, no matter how sexy, would get Dev to admit it.)

"He's really good Will! He just doesn't like all the attention. Make him like the attention!"

"Devon, I'll see what I can do, send him over," Willow watched as Devon ran away and Oz came back.

"Oz--"

"I'm not going to sing."

"But you like to sing!"

"Not in front of other people. I'm not good at it."

"Yes you are, you know you're better than Devon."

"Well, I don't like singing, that's it. Unless you can find a way to make me enjoy singing in front of other people, no deal," frustrated, Oz went back onto the stage, and the Dingoes continued their practice.

Willow had an idea.

*****

"Goddess of Melody, I summon thee," Willow chanted, eyes snapped shut.

"You are the almighty musical one, and I have a plea
Make Oz a good singer, better than me
Or anyone else, for they cannot rhyme
Make him love to sing and chime"

"YOU ARE NOT SUMMONING ME CORRECTLY!" Called out a loud booming voice.

Willow looked up as a large purple cloud formed above her.

"I'm sorry, I thought I was," Willow said sheepishly.

"WELL, YOU AREN'T! YOU SHOW NO RESPECT FOR US MUSICIANS. I SHALL CURSE YOU THEN!"

"Whoa whoa, calm down oh harmonious one, I'm new at this- -"

"YOU ALL SHALL BE CURSED WITH THE CURSE OF SONG!"

And the cloud was gone.

Willow just sat there for a little while.

Nothing happened.

"Curse must have back-fired." Willow left the bathroom and proceeded to Sunnydale High's library.

Everything seemed normal enough. Xander and Oz were talking about Superman, Wesley and Buffy were training. Giles was reading and criticizing Wesley.

"You call that a bloody back handspring? What kind of a Watcher are you?"

"Back off," snapped Wesley, who was close to tears.

"Maybe we should take a break," suggested Buffy, who was the first person to notice a nervous Willow standing in the doorway.

"Hey Will, what's up?" Buffy greeted, everyone else followed in suit.
Willow was pleased to see Oz's face light up at the sight of her, but she had bigger eggs to boil.

"Have you guys sung anything lately?" Willow asked.

"No..." They all stared at her.

"Just wondering. I thought I heard someone singing," Willow quickly lied, relieved.

That silly demon. Couldn't even make everyone sing.

"So Buffy, are you patrolling tonight?" Wesley took a sip of his water bottle, spilling it all over his suit.

"Yes Buffy, I think you should patrol tonight. There are some ancient prophesies that I can't help but worry about. Some new demons might be coming into town soon, and we need to know as much about them as possible, starting with who they are," Giles took a deep breath, "Do you think you could get some slaying and demon observing done tonight?"

"Sure Giles. About all of these new demons, I've been thinking," Buffy began, and Willow was almost positive that the lights had dimmed a little bit.

"Yes?"

Buffy took a breath, "I don't think I should patrol alone, some one should come with me."

"Buffy you are the chosen one, you're the only one in Sunnydale that can fight them. If there were more demons outside of
Sunnydale than inside--"

"Exactly, why do they all have to be in Sunnydale?" Xander blurted out, interrupting Wesley, "Why can't there be like a Slayer for every zip code or county or something."

"Xander," Wesley warned, "You know that isn't possible."

"But--"

"Xander's right," Buffy said, silencing everyone.

Then, all of a sudden, Buffy began to do something that almost made Willow scream.

"If everybody had demons across the USA. Then everybody be slaying, like Sunny Dale
You'd see em carryin' their pointies, holy water too
A rough and tumble persona
Slaying USA

We'll all be planning our tactics, soon we're gonna fight
We're polishing our crosses, we can't wait till night

We'll be gone for patrolling
We're on lookout to stay
Tell the parents we're slaying
Slaying USA"

Buffy finished her song, the background music faded away, and all that was left was Oz and Xander as they repeated "Slaying USA", until it faded back to silence.

Everyone just stared at each other.

*****
"I don't understand, she just started singing!" Giles slammed the book closed, and glared at the only other person in the room, Wesley.

"Well Rupert, I don't know what to tell you, you won't let me touch any of the books. But I have a thought, the song could have something to do with these new demons that are coming into town," Wesley tried to pick up a book, but Giles slapped his wrist.

"You know Wes, you might be right. This could be linked to the new unidentifiable demons!" Giles picked up the book Wesley was trying to look at and began flipping through it.

"But why just Buffy? It might be a spell," Wesley tried to get at another book, but he only ended up having a sore wrist.

"Well, it might not just be Buffy. Oz and Xander were singing too. And, the lights dimmed, and music came out of nowhere. It's one weird spell."

Wesley adjusted his glasses, "We need to know if this is just Buffy, or if other people are involved."

"Oh," Giles mumbled, leaning closer to his book to read.

"What is it?" Wesley was suddenly excited.

"Oh my," Giles looked up at Wesley, and burst into song;

"Demons are rising
Patience is getting low
According to all sources
The street's the place to go

Cos tonight for the first time (first time)
This prophecy ain't no dud (ain't no dud)
For the first time in history
It's gonna start raining blood (start raining blood)

It's raining blood
Did I tell you? It's raining blood, oh crud
It's raining blood
Did I tell you? It's raining blood, oh crud."

After a second or two of stunned silence, Wesley spoke up, "You have a lovely singing voice Rupert."

"Wesley, this is crazy! Why are we singing? Is it just us? What we need to know, IS IT JUST US?"
********
"There was a vampire, had a beau
And Spikey was his name-o
S-P-I-K-E
S-P-I-K-E
S-P-I-K-E
And Spikey was his name-o!"

"HARMONY, YOU ARE A STUPID LITTLE BIT WHO CAN'T SING WORTH BLOODY CRAP!"

"I'm sorry Spikey, I didn't mean to start singing!" Harmony ran over to her blonde vampire and hugged him tight.

"Get off of me," Spike pushed her off, and gazed out the window.

"Spikey, what's wrong?"

"Don't call me Spikey," snapped Spike, thoroughly offended by the nickname.

"Fine. Whatcha looking at?" unphased, Harmony join Spike at the window.

"You know who's out there, 'Harmy'?" Spike asked, lighting a cigarette.

"Um, vampires?" Harmony guessed.

"No you stupid ninny. The slayer," Spike gazed out the window, and suddenly started to sing.

"In the city, the busy city
The slayer fights tonight
In the city the fearless city
The slayer fights tonight

Near the graveyard the haunted graveyard
The slayer fights tonight
Near the graveyard the fearless graveyard
The slayer fights tonight

Hush my 'Harmy' don't fear my 'Harmy'
The slayer fights tonight
Hush my 'Harmy' don't fear my 'Harmy'
The slayer fights tonight"

Harmony joined in, singing at the top of her already high-pitched voice, "A-weema-weh, a-weema-weh, a-weema-weh, a-weema-weh A-weema-weh, a-weema-weh, a-weema-weh, a-weema-weh"

Spike stared at her, "The a-weema-wehs weren't needed Harm."

"Whoa Spikey--"

"Spike."

"Fine. Whoa Spike! You were singing! I've never heard you sing before!" Harmony seemed giddy.
"Well, don't expect to hear me sing ever again!" Spike stalked off, his feelings hurt.

*****
Wondering what was going on, Spike went to find Buffy. She'd know what to do.

But Spike couldn't find Buffy anywhere. What he did find was that too many people kept bursting into song. It just wasn't normal. At least for a normal town it wasn't normal. In Sunnydale, people constantly singing without warning was odd, but it could be odder.

Spike wasn't watching where he was going, and ended up running into and knocking over both himself and Faith.

"Bloody hell!" Spike yelled as Faith made the move to shove her stake into his heart, "Bitch, get away from me!"

Spike pushed the second slayer off of him and stood up, "Who are you, and have you seen Buffy?"

"I'm Faith, who the hell are you?" Faith kept her stake raised.

"I'm Buffy's 'friend'," Spike said quickly.

I cannot emphasize enough how much friend was in those little sarcastic finger quotations.

"Well, fine. I'll buy that. Why do you want to see Buffy?"

"Do I sense hostility when saying Buffy?" Spike smirked a little.

"Buffy's stupid. And she's all I hear about. Buffy Buffy Buffy!" Faith whined.

"Well, Jan, I'm sure Buffy's thinking the same thing about you."

"Doubt it. Man, I could kick her ass so bad. I could kick anyone's ass. But do I get praise? Do I get respect?"

"Uh-oh," Spike had a feeling where this was going.

"Ooo your punches (oo)
Tougher than many (oo)
But guess what? (oo)
Doesn't hurt me any (oo)
All I want you to do (oo) for me
Is let me just slay alone (re, re, re ,re)
Yeah baby (re, re, re ,re)
No more Buffy (respect, just a little bit)
Just get rid of that bitch (just a little bit)

S-L-A-Y-E-R
We fight without a scar
S-L-A-Y-E-R
Find out you're not up to par"

Faith kept dancing as Spike ended the song, "Stake it to 'em, stake it to 'em, stake it to 'em, stake it to 'em."

The two danced for a little while until the music that came out of nowhere faded away.

"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?" screamed Faith.

"I d-don't know. That's why I'm looking for Buffy." Spike groaned, that was his second song in 14 minutes.

Faith put her stake in her jeans, "Let's find her together."

Spike agreed, and they set off looking for the true slayer.

*********

Willow frantically searched through the library, trying to find a way to un-curse the lot of them. How would she though? She had messed with a bad ass Goddess of Melody. She could try to summon her again.

"Hey Willow," Oz startled her, suddenly showing up right behind her.

Willow turned to her boyfriend, wondering if he knew it was her doing this to everyone.

"Listen Willow, I think I know a thing or two about this demon that's making us all singy."

"Yeah?" it was Willow's turn to become taciturn.

"Well, I figure we've battled a lot of demons and--"

"You got that right. A lot of demons. A lot, a lot."

"Yeah Willow. In fact, I'm wondering how many more demons there are, I mean, seriously."

"It's been one week since we got to see
Giant bugs and demons that are hairy
Five days since we made them have to slow
dealing with the safety of a witch, werewolf and zeppo
Three days since we heard the tale
about the prophecy of a giant evil snail
Yesterday it occurred to me
That I'm sick of living in Sunny-D.

Holy god, d'you patrol last week?
Well, we fought this one freak
Who beat us all up cheerfully
Do you recall when the brawl
Became a total free-for-all
And Xander's in the middle tryin' to be the referee
Hey, see the vampire with the afro
He didn't like turning into dusty snow--"

"OZ STOP!" Willow covered his mouth forcefully, "It doesn't slow Buffy down to make sure me you and Xander are safe! And that wasn't a complete free-for-all, and that last line of the first paragraph didn't really go--"

"Hey Willow, you think you could do better? Thinking up parodies is hard, and YOU haven't even sung once yet."

"You're right. I haven't. I'm sorry." Willow let Oz leave, suddenly wondering why she hadn't burst into a jaunty tune yet.

**********

Giles and Wesley stared out the window, both afraid of what was going to happen. Clouds were forming above them in the night sky.

"It is going to begin. I don't know what we can do about it. It seems that the raining blood, oh shut up Wesley, it seems that the bloody rain is coming because of this song and dance curse that has been placed on Sunnydale."

Wesley nodded like a good little amateur watcher.

"So Wesley, have you sung anything else?" Giles asked, curious.

"Actually Giles, I never sang anything in the first place," Wesley was all too proud to point out.

Giles slapped him.

"Giles," Angel's voice rang out from the front of the library.

"Yes?" Giles and Wesley approached Angel.

"Giles, something bad is going to happen, we have to stop it. But, we'll have to find Buffy."

The two watchers nodded at Angel, and the three of them set off to find Buffy.

*******

Unfortunately, Faith and Spike were looking for the Slayer as well.

And the two search parties happened to run into each other. What a co-wing-kee-dink!

"Angel," Spike tried to walk past.

"Spike. You looking for Buffy?" Angel pushed Spike backwards.

"Matter of fact I am. Why do you ask?" Spike and Angel sneered at each other.

Faith just watched, while Wesley and Giles stooped toward the safety of the ground to whisper about Spike and Angel.

"What are you trying to say?" Spike challenged Angel.

Instead of throwing a punch, Angel began to sing a song.

"Aah
Buddy you're a vamp make a scary noise
feedin' in the street gonna be a big bad some day
You got blood on yo' face
You big disgrace
Stalkin' your ass all over the place
Tauntin'"

Giles and Wesley, who had been doing the music, continued with the pounding and clapping, but started to sing.

"I will I will bite you
I will I will bite you"

Spike groaned, and waved them off, leaving.
Angel turned to Faith.

"Buddy you're a tough girl rough girl
Shouting in the street gonna kill all the world some day
You got scratches on yo' face
You big disgrace
Wavin' your crossbows all over the place."

Giles and Wesley once again began to sing, changing the lyrics to fit Faith;

"I will I will beat you"

Angel: "Sing it"

Giles/Wesley: "I will I will beat you."

Faith ran away, and Angel, Wesley and Giles left, going to try and find Buffy before Spike did.

*****

"Goddess of Melody I summon thee!" Willow called into the purple cloud once more.

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?!" screamed the booming voice from the deep violet cloud.

"I want you to stop with this cursing nonsense!" Willow answered, preparing herself.

"WHY SHOULD I?" the Goddess retorted.

"Because," Willow said, filled with confidence, "I know how to defeat you!"

*********

"Pluck, Pluck, Pluck your strings," sang Oz on his way to the Bronze for a gig.

*******

"OH? AND HOW DO YOU DESTROY ME?" the booming voice was laughing at her!

"Well, everyone else is singing, Oz, Buffy, Giles, Spike, I haven't heard Xander sing yet, but I'm sure he is or has! Anyway, I haven't sung anything. And I'm not supposed to," Willow looked up at the purple cloud mischievously.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" the cloud's voice wasn't as booming.

*******

"All the time onstage," Oz continued to sing his little song.

******

"All I have to do is sing," Willow held up her microphone, ready to make some music.

*****

"Singing, singing, singing, singing," Oz had a little skip in his step.

********

"Okay, I love parodies as much as the next very odd person, but I'm just going to sing like normal, and this will kill you!" Willow took a deep breath, ready to sing her heart out.

"WHY DO YOU THINK YOUR SINGING WILL STOP ME?" questioned the Goddess of Melody.

"Because, I'm not supposed to sing! That's why you cursed everyone else other than me! If I start to sing, everyone else will stop!"

********

"It doesn't seem to age," sung Oz, as he opened the doors to the Bronze.

*******

"Okay, here I go," Willow took a deep breath, and opened her mouth wide!

"NNNOOOO!" screamed the cloud, knowing she would explode if Willow sung anything.

******

"Okay Oz, you ready?" Devon asked as Oz climbed on stage.

Oz nodded and turned on his microphone.

******

"This speech is my recital, I think it's very vital
To rock (a rhyme), that's right (on time)
It's Tricky, tricky, trick here we go..."
Willow sang the opening verse to It's Tricky as loud as she could.
The purple cloud, the Goddess of Melody exploded.

*******

"Take me down To the paradise city Where the grass is green And the girls are pretty Take me home," Oz began to sing just as Willow was singing.

Then the goddess exploded.

All singing everywhere stopped.

Oz just stood there, not sure what to do.

Should he keep singing? He hated singing. He was scared.

Oz took a deep breath, "Just a' urchin livin' under the street I'm a hard case that's tough to beat I'm your charity case So buy me somethin' to eat I'll pay you at another time Take it to the end of the line!"

Devon cheered, and the band continued to play.

Oz was finally comfortable singing in front of an audience.

So, the Goddess of Melody's curse wasn't a total loss.

The End

Disclaimer:

Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy The Vampire Slayer. I suppose I own the actual parodies, but certainly not the original songs. ALL NOT OWNED SONGS IN ORDER OF SUNG: I don't own Surfing USA, The Beach Boys do. I don't own It's Raining Men, I think Paul Jabara & Paul Schaffer do, but I'm just reading off the Bridget Jones's Diary Soundtrack here. Wow, as for BINGO, I have no idea who owns that song. Barney? Ronald McDonald? And The Lion Sleeps Tonight. I'm going to go with owned by Timon and Pumba, cos that's where I heard it. Respect is owned by Aretha Franklin, I guess. Jerry Springer is owned by Weird Al. I don't know what song Springer was a parody of, but the writer of it owns it... We Will Rock You is owned by Queen. If you put all of Oz's lyrics together, you get Row, Row, Row Your Boat, which is owned by I don't know who. It's Tricky (not in any parody form) is owned by Run DMC. I don't own Paradise City (not in a parody), Guns N' Roses do,
Summary: Willow's spell backfires and Sunnydale is overcome with the curse of song. Will Willow be able to make the Goddess of Melody calm down before it begins 'Raining Blood', and Buffy believes 'Slaying USA' is a good idea? PG-13 for mild language

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