Riley the Cow Bodied Boy
Title: Riley The Cow Bodied Boy
Author: Perry
E-mail:
icemulder@hotmail.com
Characters: Riley, Spike, Buffy, Willow
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: I do not own
Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy Productions do.
Summary: Written in response to a challenge. Willow gets obscenely drunk, and
accidentally gets the Goddess of Dairy to turn Riley into a cow. How will Buffy
cope, what with her boyfriend a huge cow, and Spike constantly making utterly
corny jokes about where they should moove Riley. PG
Author's notes: This is in reply to a challenge I found at
a website that is no longer in use, I presume, for the address doesn't work. The challenge was as follows:
Willow gets drunk your choice is why and she messes up a spell. By accident she turns Riley into a cow (a female cow).
Musts:
- Buffy milking him.
- If you choose to turn him back as a human, he has to have been a cow for at least 6 months.
- He has to wreck everything in sight, being the big cow that he is...
- There has to be a debate on where to put him...
- Spike has to mock cow-Riley at least five times in this fic...
Willow threw the empty bottle of Scotch at Giles's couch. She was sprawled out on the floor, and had finished off her 3rd bottle of booze that day.
Only three. Where was Giles and his hard liquor when you needed it?
As fun as lying on the floor, and getting drunk was, Willow needed to do something. She had mourned over the cancellation of her TV Guide long enough. It was time to start something, anything. Willow felt like being bad.
Oh the possibilities….
Willow casually cracked open a thick spell book, one that Giles had hidden from her, but what the hell, she was drunk, she was allowed to have some fun!
Willow was thirsty, and they were out of stuff to drink.
"Maybe there's a drinkie spell," Willow giggled at her drunken childlike ways, and found a spell to conjure up some milk. Simple enough.
"Okey dokey," Willow threw the book on the ground and hunched over it, ready for a big ol' glass of milk.
"Goddess of Dairy, I summon thee," Willow spread her hands out to the heavens, and hiccupped once before continuing, "I need to drink your liquid. I need to drink from the cow. Give me the cow of life, or something like that--" Willow hiccupped again.
"Heya Willow! Whatcha doing?" Riley hopped merrily into the apartment, not noticing that there was some very powerful magic going on.
"Give me the cow of life!" Willow screamed at the figure that had appeared before her. It was the Goddess of Dairy. The Goddess of Dairy swirled around the room, and focused all of her dairy-ish energy on Riley.
Riley screamed as the Goddess zapped him, and turned him into a big fat cow.
Willow looked at what she had done. The Goddess of Dairy was gone, and Willow was stuck with Riley as a cow.
"Oops."
*Later That Day*
"Bloody hell! This is by far the funniest thing
Willow has ever done!" screamed Spike, who was doubled over with laughter, "He's a ruddy cow!"
All Riley could do was moo, which made Spike laugh even harder.
"Spike, shut up!" yelled Buffy, who was close to frantic about her boyfriends sudden form of a cow.
Cow-Riley ran at Spike, knocking over the coffee table, and smashing the television.
"Jesus Riley! Passion's on it 30 bloody minutes! If you smash the other TV, I swear, I'll take those utters of yours and--" Spike stopped himself in realization, "You have utters! It's
utterly hilarious!" Spike kicked the cow in the side and continued to laugh hysterically.
Buffy ran over to the cow with a metal bowl.
"What are you doing?" Spike asked, watching as the Slayer crouched down beside her boyfriend, and put the bowl under him.
"Are you milking him?! You're milking him!" Spike ran to the cow and Slayer, "I wanna milk him!"
"Spike, stay away from us," Buffy warned, continuing her milking.
She squeezed the utter thingies the best that she could, and cheered when milky stuff finally came out.
Spike couldn't help himself, "Ooh Buffy, you are good! Only a couple squeezes and Riley's milk is just oozing out--" Spike fell over, his head ringing from the Slayer's blow. It was worth it though. The Riley cow looked like he was near tears.
"She's milking you old chap. I bet it feels good. She's pulling at those utters, squeezing the--" Spike dodged another punch from Buffy.
"Okay, I'll go. I'll moove along. Get it? Moo-ve along--"
"I GET IT SPIKE!" Buffy yelled, and sighed in relief when Spike finally exited the room.
"I don't know what he's talking about, you're a very cute little, well, really big, cow," Buffy continued to milk Riley, and the large cow mooed in response.
"Oh Buffy," Spike called from the back room.
"Yes Spikey," Buffy answered, getting up from her couch, trying not to spill the bowl of milk.
"Where are we going to put the bloke? He's as big as a bathtub, and knocks over everything he gets near," Spike said, coming back into the room.
"I don't know," Buffy looked at her monster of a boyfriend. He was huge, "We could keep him out here."
"With all of Giles valuables? No way! This guy demolished the TV, no telling what damage he could do if he gets a hold of some ancient tribe symbol thingy!" Spike crouched down face to face with the Riley-cow. He (Spike) mooed and pretended to chew cud.
Riley hung his head in shame.
"I'm liking that Willow more and more every spell!" Spike exclaimed.
"Shut up Spike. Okay, where are we going to put him then?" Buffy looked around, "The kitchen is too small…"
"Bathroom?" Spike suggested, easing himself into an easy chair.
"He is WAY to big. He'd never make it into a bathroom," Buffy sighed.
"Back bedroom?" Spike stretched a little bit, and made the effort to reach over and pull Riley's tail.
"No, if he can't fit in the bathroom, how is he going to make it down the hallway?" retorted Buffy.
"Fine, what about a room upstairs?" Spike asked, sensing Buffy was becoming agitated.
"Oh yeah, please, let's try to pull a 1500 pound cow up a flight of stairs," Buffy snapped angrily.
"Well geez Buffy, I'm only trying to bloody help! It's not my fault he's a big fat cow!" Spike yelled.
"Oh, you want to blame it on me? Where the hell are we going to put him? He's a cow!" Buffy yelled back.
"Out to the pasture! I don't know. All I do know is that an apartment is not the place for a cow!" Spike stood up in fury, and gestured around the room and at Riley.
"You think I don't know that? I know he's a big, fat, stupid cow! But how many farms are there in Sunnydale?" Buffy was about ready to throw something at Spike. Or better yet, Riley.
"I got it! We'll play a prank on Xander, and shove Riley down into Xander's basement! Then this Cowboy will be Xander's problem!" Spike grabbed Riley by the weird little triangle bell thing, ready to take him to Xander's.
"Spike, no!" Buffy slapped Spike away from Riley. Cowboy (get it? Cowboy) stumbled away from the fighting pair, and crashed into one of Giles' bookcases, causing books and trinkets to fall all over the place.
Spike began to giggle uncontrollably, letting Buffy clean up by herself.
"Listen, Slayer, I'm sure we can find a farm somewhere," Spike tried to sound reassuring.
Buffy nodded. It was the best thing to do. "Alright. We'll give him something to eat, and call animal control, I'm sure they know a farm somewhere."
"Good plan," Spike pulled Riley out of the rubble that was once the bookcase, and over to the table.
Riley, being the big dopey cow that he is, knocked over the couch on his way around it.
Spike sat opposite the table from Riley, who had his head propped up against it, chomping down the vegetables as fast as he could.
Buffy was in the back, calling Animal Control.
"Riley, you eat like a pig," Spike snorted, then smiled to himself, "Actually, you eat like a cow!"
He was the only one laughing.
It was dark, almost midnight. Spike, for one reason or another, had his arm around Buffy, which was making the cowboy very upset.
But what could he do about it? Moo angrily at them?
"Don't you worry, we'll take good care of your cow," the old farmer man told Spike and Buffy.
"Well good to hear it. But you know, if you feel the sudden need to poke him, -er her with a cow prodding thing, you have our blessing," Spike grinned happily.
Buffy jabbed Spike in the gut.
"Yeah, well, I'd better be going, and like I said, your cow is safe with me,"
the farmer began to pull Riley away.
"Cowabunga dude!" Spike called after them in his best surfer voice, and after a moment of insane laughter, "God that was a really bad one!"
"Yeah it was," Buffy wrapped her arm around Spike, and the two headed back to his car.
"Cowabunga," Spike whispered to himself, chuckling.
THE END
This was seriously FUN!