Pretend
Title: Pretend
Author: Perry
E-mail:
icemulder@hotmail.com
Characters: Oz, Giles
Rating: G
Spoilers: After Wild At Heart
Disclaimer:
Summary: Oz writes a letter to Giles, expressing thoughts about pretending.
Author's note: Oz's letter, therefore his POV. Takes places maybe a month after
Wild At Heart (Oz going bye-bye after hopping on the good foot and doing the bad
thing with Veruca)
I have made some wrong decisions in my life, most of which took
pace little over a month ago. It's funny how quickly your sense of
right and wrong can change, how quickly all the constants in your life
can be erased by one little action that seemed perfectly fine if not a
good idea at the time.
I have probably made the biggest mistake I will ever make, and there
honestly isn't anything I can possibly do to reverse it.
High school, at the time I absolutely hated it, couldn’t wait to leave.
Now however, my view regarding that cement building where all my worst
nightmares had harvested and taken shape has dramatically changed. I
long to be back in high school, back within the walls of the familiar
facility. Back in the classes I had taken, which I already knew all of
the material, so I could simply doze or dream whenever I attended
class. I long to be back in the library researching beasties and those
of the like. I long to be back in the book cage, locked up during those
three nights out of the month. Those three nights that made me who I
am, what I am.
Being a werewolf obviously changed my life, no doubt there. I just had
no idea of what magnitude it had changed at the time. Most of my
thoughts and secret desires I simply wrote off as teenage male
hormones, yet now I undeniably classify them under the heading Wolf.
The wolf that lived, lives inside me. Growing on me. Feeding off me.
High school was but a year ago. A year ago I was happy. Life wasn’t
simple per say, yet it was much, much simpler.
Back then my greatest worry was making Willow upset, but not in the
astronomical proportions I have proves to hurt her within, I am
referring to correcting her research mistake, or perhaps making an idle
comment on her magical abilities for which the consequences would last
a day at the most, perhaps some underlying resentment for a week, but
no problem some sweet candy treats couldn't solve. And now, a year
later, I find myself at a Tibetan Monastery, living in a small cell,
and forced into meditation and long periods of deep thought, during
which I can reflect on how badly my life sucks.
I used to think I could control the wolf. Even after Veruca told me
differently, I always believed that somewhere deep down I would always
have control over the sudden murderous and sexual urges I was plagued
to hold along with the burden of lycanthropy.
I have already stated that the wolf is forever growing and feeding
inside of me. That in of itself is a terrifying thought. But the monks
have made me realize that it isn't inside me, I am inside of it.
My blood is spoiled. It is tainted. I am not by any means human. And I
shouldn't be treated as such .
I should have treated Willow better. I should have treated all of you
better, if only I had known what a monster I was capable of being. No,
not capable of. What a monster I was. Am.
From Day One I threatened all your relationships, your lives. And I
knew this. But I was selfish. I wanted to lie to all of you. I wanted
to lie to myself.
You all chose to ignore the wolf inside, pretend I was just as normal
as any of you. I realize that isn't saying too much, but I was the only
Scoobie that was a part time cold-blooded killer.
You pretended I was human, and I let you. I wanted to believe the lie.
Thus threatening you more.
By ignoring the wolf, I only angered it, making its unnatural blood
boil to my disguised surface. It was just a disguise. A wolf in man's
clothing. That is all I will ever be, but I chose to fool myself into
thinking I was more.
I can become more, however. I am sure of that. I can promise you that.
I cannot bury, ignore the wolf, but I can learn to lessen it, gain much
more spiritual control over it than I ever had before. Not complete
control, but control nonetheless.
It feels nice to get all of my thoughts and feelings that needed to be
expressed out. And even though I have bore what is left of my soul unto
you, you must never show her this.
If nothing else, please do this for me, Rupert. Do not show her this
letter, do not let her know what I ruin of a man I have become. I have
always been.
The wolf is always inside of me. I am always inside of the wolf. This
will never change. No amount of meditation, charms, prayers or spells
can change this. I am a werewolf. It is simply a fact I am forced to
hold true. I will always be a werewolf, I will never be a true man.
But, as I have done for years now, I can pretend to be a man. Not
pretend I am not a wolf, simply pretend I am more than that,
And someday it will be true.
Someday I will be able to cease pretending.
Someday I will be a man.
A man who isn't afraid to hide who he is.
A man who is only a wolf through a tainted blood link.
A man who is able to function in society.
A man who is capable of being around her.
A man who doesn't need to pretend.