Downright Insane Council of Killers

Scene opens;
GILES, XANDER, BUFFY, OZ, and WILLOW are all sitting around the table in the library, each one heavily consumed in their books. Suddenly, an alarm sounds and the table rumbles and shakes uncontrollably.

GILES (shouting): Everyone away from the table!

(They all move away, dropping their books and watch as the table breaks in half, and a tall metal pole emerges from the cracked tile. A television screen unfolds from the tip of the pole, creating a large black rectangular screen which everyone moves in front of.)

XANDER: Giles, what's this about? I thought you were too British for TV!
GILES: I might be too British for ESPN, but does the name Bond mean anything to you?
XANDER: Playboy channel?
GILES: Not bondage you bloody American teenage sac of hormones!
Oz (whispering to Xander): James Bond.
XANDER: Ooh! You know Bond?
WILLOW: Shut up! Something's on the screen!

(Sure enough, a shadowy gray figure could be seen in the video feed, possibly more than one. The screen quickly came into focus, and the Scoobies all gathered around.)

The screen shows a basement, with two close to middle-aged men sitting on a couch, one with a black hat holding a guitar, the other with long blonde hair.

(Guitar music plays)
WAYNE CAMPBELL and GARTH ALGAR (singing): WAYNE'S WORLD! WAYNE'S WORLD! IT'S PARTY TIME! EXCELLENT!
WAYNE: Hey everybody, and welcome to Wayne's World! Party on Garth!
GARTH: Party on Wayne!
GILES: Dammit! This Public Access show must have interfered with our satellite transmission!
BUFFY: Who's trying to talk to us?
GILES: The Watcher's Council, I presume.
WILLOW: Well, maybe they'll get through soon

(Sure enough, the screen blinked a few times and Wayne's World faded away and a table full of stuffy old Brits showed up.)

HEAD BRITISH MAN: I suppose you don't like British people?
(Who, me?)
HEAD BRIT: Yes you! I'll have you know I am not stuffy at all, I happen to be very well ventilated!
(Okay dude, whatever)
HEAD BRIT: I AM!
(Not saying you aren't! Just trying to get back to my story!)
HEAD BRIT: You are quite a racist, aren't you? I suppose you are just itching to make me and all the other British people in this story say words such as Bloody and Blasted and William just to make fun of us aren't you?

(A large raccoon runs into the council meeting and eats the Head Brit. All the other wee little British gentlemen flutter around screaming their arses off until it leaves.)

ANOTHER BRIT: So, Mr. Giles, I presume you know why the bloody Council is trying to speak to you?
GILES: I suppose danger is coming?
BRIT # 2: As long as George Lucas continues to make cheap blasted Star Wars prequels, danger will always be coming.
BUFFY: I liked The Phantom Menace!
GILES: You are a stupid, stupid little girl.
BRIT # 1: Are any of you familiar with the world-renowned villain, Doctor Evil?
WILLOW: Um, I think so. He's the guy that regularly threatens to blow up the world, isn't he?
BRIT # 1: More or less, William.
XANDER: But that other Brit always defeats him.
GILES: Is there something wrong, or were you just wondering if we knew him?
BRIT # 4 (although there hasn't been a # 3): Austin Powers is gone, no one can find him and we need someone to defeat Doctor Evil.
GILES: Why us?
BRIT # 5 (still no 3): British Intelligence asked us for help, so we naturally thought of you.
WILLOW: Why us?
BRIT # 2: Isn't it obvious?
GILES: No…
BUFFY: Why have we been chosen to fight this guy? What's so special about us?
BRIT # 1: You're the SLAYER!
BUFFY (shrugging) So?
GILES: I think that might mean you might have to fight stuff.
BUFFY: Oh poop. So as the Slayer, I have to fight this Dr. Evil all on my own?
XANDER: Nah, we'll help, guy shouldn't be that hard, Austin gets him every time.
BRIT # 4: Keep in mind that Austin Powers is gone, and Doctor Evil most definitely has help.
BUFFY: Who?
BRIT # 5: We don't know, but whoever they are, they must be terribly frightening.

(Cut to a silver-ish meeting room. A long table is in center of room with henchmen walking around aimlessly. At table sit DR. EVIL, SCOTT EVIL, FRAU FARBISSINA, and NUMBER TWO.)

DR. EVIL: SILENCE! (Although no one was talking) Let the first official meeting of the People Unified to Suavely Sabotage Youngsters begin!
SCOTT: What the hell kind of name is that? That sucks!
NUMBER TWO: Dr. Evil, perhaps you should consider changing the name of our society. Some women might find it offensive.
SCOTT: How would--(puts together acronym) OH! (Big smile)
FRAU: Eh-Docta, ze name could be bettah
DR. EVIL: Oh it could? Huh, I see. Don't like my name for our club? Well that's okay, hum, let's see…. We could call it the Devilishly Unified Massacring Board and Assembly of Strategic
SCOTT: Shitfaces. D.U.M.B.A.S.S.
DR. EVIL: I see. Still not loving the name? Well, Scotty, if you're so clever, YOU come up with one!
SCOTT: How about the Assembly of Stupid Shitheads?
NUMBER TWO: I think perhaps a name less prompting how insanely unintelligent we are, but something to disguise the focus of our-
SCOTT: The Downright Insane Council of Killers, you stupid D.I.C.K.
DR. EVIL: I like it, it has a definite ring. Frau can you hear the ring?
FRAU: Yes Docta, very nice ring.
DR. EVIL: Number Two, how about you?
NUMBER TWO: I honestly don't care.
DR. EVIL: D.I.C.K. it is, Henchmen, change the official logo!
SCOTT: You mean the cardboard sign taped to the door?
DR. EVIL: Are you challenging me Scott?
SCOTT: Maybe I am, What do you think?
DR. EVIL:  Too young and naive to make your own decisions? Very well then. Alright, now that D.I.C.K is up and ready (Scott laughs) it is time to decide how we are going to take over the world. D.I.C.K'S goal is to penetrate the workforce, thrust into the world's economy, and pump our way to success and Scott are you okay over there? Do you need a glass of water or something?
SCOTT (who had been bent over the table, red from laughing, sat back in his seat, holding his side): No, no I'm good.
DR. EVIL: Alright. As Austin Powers has been very much destroyed, there is no one standing in our way for total world domination.
SCOTT: How the hell do you figure that? One guy is dead so the world is friggin' powerless? This isn't an X-Files economy where Mulder splits and the entire series crumbles! In the real world Scully and Dogget can fend for themselves!
DR. EVIL: What are you saying exactly?
SCOTT: You're a giant fuck head and (slowly) You're. Going. To. Die.
DR. EVIL: Riiiiight. So, who's hungry?

(Cut to the Library where GILES, XANDER and OZ are packing weapons into bags.)
XANDER: So, all we have to do is hunt this crazy villain man down and kick his ass right into jail?
GILES: I expect it will be a little harder than that, Xander. This man has managed to outsmart and get away from the police and the International Man of Mystery countless times.
Oz: So he's probably really smart?
GILES: I would suppose so.

(Cut to Dr. Evil's Lair)
(DR. EVIL sits at head of table chewing on a pen. It cracks in his teeth and black ink fills his mouth, spilling over his chin.)
(Number Two runs over to him, wiping him up with Bounty napkins.)
NUMBER TWO: Here are some brand new Heavy Duty Bounty Paper Towels for you sir. They'll clean this mess right up.
DR. EVIL: Thanks Number Two. Nothing like a twice as thick than other leading brands Bounty paper towel to clean me up after a spill like that.
NUMBER TWO: Yes, ink stains can be most awful. Bounty with its quick absorbing interlock design will clean any mess!
DR. EVIL: Even this spilt food from our lunch?
NUMBER TWO: Especially spilt food!
DR. EVIL: And I thought it'd never get cleaned!
NUMBER TWO: Just remember, next time you need to clean, clean with Bounty!
DR. EVIL: The Quicker Picker Upper!
(Scott enters room carrying large can of coca-cola.)
DR. EVIL: Scott! You should be ashamed!
SCOTT: What?
NUMBER TWO: Walking around with the Coca-Cola label clearly visible to the camera, I don't believe you!
DR. EVIL: Yeah Scott, talk about shameless promotion of our sponsors, I'm disappointed in you!
(Scott looks down at his coke and frowns, and then looks back up at Number Two, who is showing the camera the Bounty Paper Towel Roll.)
SCOTT: Blow me, butt licking ass wipes.
DR. EVIL: Excuse me?
SCOTT: Uh, Show me your new Bounty wipes.

(Back to Buffy and Co.)
BUFFY: Giles, where are we supposed to go? This is weird, I mean, the council never gave us a location.
GILES: I'm not sure exactly. I concur this is a bit odd, but understandably so, they are British, it's our job to be prissy and confusing.
***Note: The Author has nothing against British people***
WILLOW: I thought it was British people's jobs to be jolly and friendly.
GILES: No, that's Santa Claus, the fat red man who comes into people's houses uninvited and eats their food.
***Note: The Author has nothing against Santa Claus***
XANDER: Yeah, British people are the rude smelly jerks who hate Americans.
GILES: No, that's France.
***Note: The Author has nothing against French people***
WILLOW: So a British person's job is to what, be dirty, tired and have huge families that they marry into?
GILES: No, those are Mexicans.
***Note: The Author has nothing against Mexican people***
BUFFY: So mainly, British people are those guys that stand around and do nothing at all, drive in kilometers, speak in stupid accents and drink Moose brand beer while living in the mountains?
GILES: No Buffy, those are the goddamn Canadians.
XANDER: We're almost at the airport, what, are we going to fly to London?
Oz: Well, we could drive, but the bridge that leads from California to England is closed due to nonexistence.
(Xander shoves Oz into the window.)
(Oz slaps Xander upside the head.)
(Xander slaps Oz's shoulder.)
(Oz and Xander look at each other.)
(And start a very shameful catfight.)
(Flailing their arms and slapping each other and pulling hair, the two keep their hissy fit going until Giles purposely bangs into the cement parking block to get their attention.)
GILES: C'mon, lads. The Scoobies are going to London!

(Cut to Scott, lying on his bed in his room. There are rock band and playboy posters all over the walls and a large collection of lava lamps with innards floating around in them. I Wanna Be Sedated is playing at full volume (because that song RULES) and you can't have parenthesis inside parenthesis, I should change to brackets. Nah, I'll live dangerously and not change them! So anyway, Scott is just staring at the ceiling and there is a knock at the door.)
SCOTT: WHAT?
(Frau enters carrying a tray of cookies and milk)
FRAU: Vello Scott, How var you?
SCOTT (taking the cookies and milk): If Dad would get off my back and stop being such a DICK hole I'd be better.
FRAU: Docta Evil isn't the sharpest apple in the wagon, but he tries his best, you know. He veally loves you, Scott. Ve's only trying to impress you.
SCOTT (swallowing audibly): What's he doing now?
FRAU: Preparing for a whole new set of D.I.C.K members that var scheduled to arrive zoon. Zey are supposedly very skilled villains, no?
SCOTT: That's what he says. But knowing my dad, he'll promise like, Magneto, and he'll give us Toad.
FRAU: Vat?
SCOTT: X Men reference, pay no mind.
FRAU: Vall right. Zur father wants you zere when ze villains arrive, vokay?
SCOTT: Alright. Say Frau, this was a pretty pointless scene, wasn't it?
FRAU: Very, Vat least you get cookies. All I get is zis accent zat changes vrum z's to v's.

(Cut to Airplane, where everyone is seated. In the first seat nearest the 'camera' are Xander, Oz and Buffy. Willow and Giles are in the seat behind them. Willow is asleep. Giles is reading. Buffy has headphones on and is watching the in-flight movie. Xander and Oz are untangling their headphone wires)
XANDER: Stupid, just stop pulling, I'll get it.
OZ: I almost have it undone, STOP IT!
STEWARD: Sirs, please, you are making too much noise.
XANDER: Miss, he's trying to take my headphones!
OZ: He took my orange juice when you were handing them out!
STEWARD: I'll go get you new headphones and juice, all right?
(Xander licks finger and touches Oz's cheek)
OZ: Miss! He just licked his finger and touched my face with it!
GILES: Both of you quit it! You'd better not be fighting like this when we get to British Intelligence! I don't want you two embarrassing me!
XANDER & OZ: We won't.
(The steward returns with a carton of orange juice and two new spiffy headphones. Xander and Oz put on headphones and start watching the in-flight movie; AI Artificial Intelligence.)
***
DAVID: Mommy, mommy!
MONICA: David, what is it?
DAVID: I'm real mommy!
MONICA: You're a real boy?
DAVID: No, mommy, Gigolo Joe made me into a man!
***
OZ (taking off headphones): Talk about shameless sexual innuendos ruining a perfectly bad movie!
XANDER: The badness is topped only by the ridiculous length.
OZ: GOD! If I have to sit through another Haley movie I am going to vomit!
XANDER: Remember the part where they showed off Mecca Joe's extendable--
(Cut to a stewardess talking to the pilot)
STEWARDESS: Johnson! If you don't take a break and let the copilot fly, you might fall asleep before we reach Britain!
CAPTAIN: You can tell the copilot to suck my--
(Scene cuts to a family having dinner)
DAD: Meat and two veg.
MOM: Excuse me?
DAD: That's all I want to eat tonight, honey. Some meat and a couple vegetables.
MOM: Okay, hey you two! (Turns to fighting children) stop!
SISTER: Mom, Ronny just called me a--
(Cut to a classroom)
TEACHER: Penis, this is what we will be studying next week, the male reproductive organ, complete with the--
(Scene changes to two kids standing by a pool)
GIRL: Two balls! I'm missing two water balls!
BOY: They're in the pool. Go get them! (He shoves the girl into the water)
GIRL: Oh! You are such a stupid--
(Cut to Scott Evil)
SCOTT: DICKHEAD! You're a GIANT DICKHEAD!
DR. EVIL: Now Scott, I know you don't mean that.
SCOTT: Kiss my ass!
(Dr. Evil reaches for the button that says Scott Evil to send him to a horrible death, by Frau sprays him with a water bottle sprayer of pepper spray.)
NUMBER TWO: Dr. Evil, when will our guests be arriving?
DR. EVIL: How the hell should I know, I am blinded I tell you! BLIND! Thanks to Frau and her damned pepper spray!
SCOTT: Frau can I? (Takes spray from Frau) Dad, look at me.
(Dr. Evil turns to him and Scott sprays him in the face)
DR. EVIL: AAAAAAAAHHHHH

(Cut to the airplane terminal, where the Scoobies are getting their luggage off the belt thing.)
BUFFY: Where's my bag?
GILES (looking around): I don't know, you should hurry to the lost baggage claim, before it gets filled up.
(Scene changes to Buffy standing in a small crowded room full of shouting people, inching her way up to the counter.
BUFFY: Excuse me, yes hi. You lost my bag.
LADY BEHIND COUNTER: I didn't lose your anything. Fill out this form and we'll ship it to you when we find it.
BUFFY: Fine, that's just fine. (Begins to fill form out, but then looks up and says to the lady next to her) Excuse me, do you have a pen I can use, mine's out of ink. (The lady standing next to her holding a baby turns to look at her.) Hello you cute little bab- (baby throws up all over her.)

Cut to the rest of the group. Buffy comes barreling out the baggage claim department with white milky stuff all over her shirt.

BUFFY: I've been in Britain ten minutes and I already WANT TO GO HOME!
GILES: Now, Buffy, the airport will find your luggage eventually.
WILLOW: Look, there's a man from British Intelligence, let's go ride home with him.
XANDER: How do you know he's from British Intelligence?

Man walks over to him. The words "BRITISH INTELLIGENCE MAN" form over his head with an arrow pointing down to him.

XANDER: Oh.

(Meanwhile, in Doctor Evil's Lair)
DR. EVIL:  Alright people, I want to introduce you to some of the brilliant people who will be helping us take over the world! Everyone please give a warm welcome to our evil super villains!
SCOTT: Where are they?
DR. EVIL: Scott, if you'd just be patient, I'm about to introduce them.
SCOTT: Fine, sorry.
DR. EVIL: You'd better be. Let me introduce to everyone, our first evil villain, Professor Cold Heart!
SCOTT: From the Care Bears?!
DR. EVIL:  Watch that show, do you?
SCOTT (defensively): No, I just know of him.
DR. EVIL: Of course you do.
PROFESSOR COLD HEART: I hate the Care Bears; they love and care too much.
DR. EVIL: Are you willing to kill an entire world of metaphorical Care Bears?
PROFESSOR COLD HEART: Well of course, I'm a killing machine.
SCOTT: YOU'RE A CARTOON!
PROFESSOR COLD HEART:  You have a problem with that?
DR. EVIL: Scott, here are some villains that I'm quite proud to introduce you to, Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank!
(A white haired scientist and a rather chubby child-man walk into the D.I.C.K. meeting room and sit down at the table.)
SCOTT: Wait, I know you guys, you're the guys from Mystery Science Theater 3000!
DR. FORRESTER: Yes we are, how good it is to see a fan.
SCOTT: You guys suck! You're inventions are crappy, Joel got out of the Satellite of Love--
DR. FORRESTER: Dr. Evil, do you mind if I dispose of this vile boy over here?
DR. EVIL: Normally I'd say go ahead, but Frau would disembowel me, for some reason him being our love child means I'm supposed to ask her permission to dispose of him, but it really doesn't matter, he'll be liquidated and unconscious as soon as he finishes his soda.
(Scott, who was just about to take a drink, sets the cup down quickly.)

(Star swipe to Buffy and Co. in the official British Intelligence limousine. Seating positions: On the seat against the back wall are Buffy, Giles, Oz and Xander, with Buffy and Xander against the windows. Willow is all alone on the other side.)
GILES: Buffy, why don't you go sit by Willow?
BUFFY: No, I don't want to, she's all gay!
WILLOW: Am not! And I won't be for at least 2 seasons!
BUFFY: What if sitting by her I get the sudden urge to frolic in the meadow of gayness?
GILES (sighing): Her gayness isn't contagious.
WILLOW: I don't have any gayness!
GILES (patronizing): Okay, dear, whatever you say.
OZ (to Xander): Dude, get away from me.
XANDER: What are you talking about?
OZ: You're on my side of the seat crease. You need to stay on your side!
XANDER: What seat crease? I don't see a seat crease!
OZ: 'Cause you're sitting on it!
XANDER: If I was sitting on a seat crease, I think I would know that I was on the seat crease because I would feel the seat crease!
OZ: Look at the seat crease! Scoot over and look at the damn seat crease!
(Xander moves over and sees he is indeed sitting on a seat crease.)
XANDER: Oh.
OZ: Yeah, get the hell out of my personal space.
XANDER (scoffing): You're personal space? Oh, I'm sorry, am I in your 'bubble'?
OZ: Yes. Yes you are. Don't penetrate the bubble.
XANDER: I'll penetrate your bubble if I want to penetrate your bubble.
(Xander starts to mime penetrating Oz's bubble. He starts waving his arms in circles around Oz, poking the wall of the bubble.)
XANDER:  Oooh, look, I'm penetrating your bubble. (Pokes again) And I did it again. And again. Again and again and I'm popping the bubble! I am so popping the bubble.
OZ (whining): Dude, stop penetrating my bubble!
GILES: Xander, I beg you to stop taunting the boy, if he doesn't want you to penetrate his bubble, don't penetrate his bubble.
XANDER: Giles, you really can't pull off saying 'bubble'.
BUFFY: Yeah, it's too cool of a word.
GILES: Bubble? Bubble is a cool word?
BUFFY: See, you didn't even know, and---
XANDER: We need to drop this bubble gag, it's getting old fast.
OZ: Just get away from me.
XANDER (putting his arm around Oz, teasing): Maybe I want to be close.
OZ: Get away-- (shoves Xander against window. His elbow slams down onto window button, making the automatic window go down. A burst of hot air blows into the limo, causing Oz and Xander's hair to blow up, their lips to stretch back. Eyes squinted against the pressure, everything goes into slow motion. Oz flies back against Giles who shoves him forward. He slowly falls into Xander, who tumbles ahead into and out of the window. Oz's wrist slams into the button again and the window begins to raise, trapping Xander's head out the side of the limo.)
XANDER (screaming): Make it stop, it's gonna choke me to death!
OZ: The button's stuck, the window won't go down!
(Xander makes sputtering and gagging noises)
OZ (near hysterical): GILES! Giles, make the window go down!!
(Giles reaches over and presses the window down button. The window immediately begins to roll down.)
GILES: Of course it's going to keep choking him if you insist on pressing the UP BUTTON!
Xander sits back in his seat, rubbing his neck. He turns to glare at Oz, waits a moment, and then slaps him.

(Cut to the British Intelligence as Scoobies arrive.)
BASIL: Welcome, you must be Mr. Giles. Pleasure to meet your acquaintance.
GILES:  Likewise. (Introductions go around) How might we help you fight Dr. Evil?
BASIL: Well, we haven't actually devised much of a plan, yet. But, our heads of departments are up in the "Room" making all those official decisions right now.
BUFFY: How can we fight Dr. Evil if we don't know what's going on?
GILES (holding hand up to stop Buffy): All right now Buffy, calm yourself, I can handle this. I am British, you know. (Turns to Basil) How can we possibly battle this Evil fellow if we haven't an idea what's going on around this bloody establishment.
XANDER (sarcastic): Very well said Giles, totally *not* what Buffy said.
GILES: Thank you, every command just needs a hint of British magic.
BASIL: All right, Mr. Giles, as a Watcher, I suppose you can go visit the Heads of department while I take the kids on a tour.

(Meanwhile in Dr. Evil's lair)
NUMBER TWO: Dr. Evil, what are your most recent plans for world domination?
DR. EVIL: Since my plan for world domination through use of nuclear warheads was a complete failure, I have devised a new, improved plan.
SCOTT: How can it be new and improved? To be new, you can't have had anything before the plan, it has to be never before seen, but to be improved means there has been something made prior than the plan that the plan is better than, they are completely contradicting.
DR. EVIL: Okay, shut up.
SCOTT: I'm just saying--
DR. EVIL: Shut up!
SCOTT: But I-
DR. EVIL: Shhhuuuuttt-UP!
SCOTT: You aren't even making clever jokes, you're just--
DR. EVIL: Scott, tell me, when you play sports, and you get a shut down, what's the opposite of that?
SCOTT: Let me guess...
DR. EVIL: A shut up!
SCOTT: It's a shut OUT, not a shut down!
DR. EVIL: Uh, does shut out go with my joke, I think not!
SCOTT: But you're making up--
DR. EVIL: Shut
SCOTT: You don't know what--
DR. EVIL: Up!
SCOTT: you're talking about!
DR. EVIL: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! SHUT UP!
SCOTT: ...
DR. EVIL: Alright, I'd like a report on the British Intelligence's level of intelligence-
SCOTT: You aren't funny
DR. EVIL: SHUT!
SCOTT: But you--
DR. EVIL: SUS!
SCOTT: WHAT?
DR. EVIL: SUS. S.U.S.  Shut Up Scott.
SCOTT: You are such a lameass--
DR. EVIL: SUS! Number Two, please tell us all how things were going during you're assignment at BI.
SCOTT: Bi?
DR. EVIL: British Intelligence Scott, get with the program!
NUMBER TWO: As you know, I was our BI agent, working undercover for quite a long time.
SCOTT: Would this be undercover, or perhaps hiding in the closet?
DR. EVIL: Yes, I suppose either term would work, Number Two, do carry on.
NUMBER TWO: I was working undercover at the BI for quite a few hours and consequently, I think if I had stayed longer I would have learned much more. What I did learn however, was that Bertha is dating Charles, who is also dating a guy named Pedro who coincidently is hitting on Bertha every chance he gets. Oh you should have seen those three by the water cooler, they honestly looked--
DR. EVIL: Fascinating, but feel free to skip on down the list to the stuff THAT I GIVE A DAMN ABOUT!
FRAU: Actually, I vould luv to hear more about Bertha and--
NUMBER TWO: I'm sorry Dr. Evil. Frau, I have the cutest story to tell you later. Anyway, I also learned that the BI has contacted the slayer, its watcher and some of its friends to help them defeat you.
DR. EVIL: The slayer? Who's this? Who's the slayer?
NUMBER TWO: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
DR. EVIL: That's ... not ... an ... answer ...  
FRAU: Numba Two, did you find anything at all about dis slaya?
NUMBER TWO: I'm sorry to say no. But, I do know that Pedro is a di--
DR. EVIL: Well thank you because that was so darn important!
NUMBER TWO: Dr. Evil, you need to take this slayer person seriously. The BI is very excited to have it working for them, and the Heads of Departments are constantly thinking of new ways to bring you down.
DR. EVIL:  Are you threatening me Number Two? Because I can assure you that no one can stop me this time, especially not those head of department nincompoops.

(Meanwhile, in the British Intelligence Headquarters...)
Giles is walking down a hallway, looking from door to door, searching for the headquarters. He comes to a door with the following sign on it:
The Room
Do Not Enter Unless You ...
Are a Department Head
Have an Appointment
Or Are Holding.
At first the last part of the sign made no sense at all, but as soon as Giles opened the door, he understood. Smoke was fogging up the room and as soon as he stepped foot inside, the watcher became dizzy and lightheaded. And it felt pretty damn great.
All the previously stuffy members of the Council and all those other uptight Brits that work at British Intelligence were sitting in a circle, passing a bong decorated with the UK flag between them.
"Duuude!" yelled the Head Brit (who took over after that damn raccoon got the last one. Man that was a tragedy.)
HEAD BRIT: Yeah right, you were the one who had him killed!
(Why must the British always talk back? Why can't they just keep the scene moving?)
HEAD BRIT: Because, you killed my idol!
(Get over it, you're all British, you don't matter, you don't care if others are mean. Go frolic in an enchanted meadow of tall flowery grasses, or go take your tea.)
HEAD BRIT:  There you go stereotyping us bloody British people again! We have feelings you know!
(Well maybe I have feelings too! Sorry, that was stupid, of course I don't have feelings, I'm the author! I don't care about this story; I don't care what happens to any of you! Here, SEE!)
A rabid herd of Eskimo come bounding into the room and carry the Head Brit out on the top of bloody harpoons to carry out their semi-frozen cannibalistic beliefs. Because ALL Eskimos are rabid....
GILES: Are you all high?
(Well, honestly, I did take some oregano and nutmeg earlier, makes some wicked--)
GILES: I'm talking to these British stoners over here! How can you be high when Dr. Evil is at large? We need to be devising plans, strategizing, forming tactics and doing all sorts of other projects that have the same meaning! Not passing a bong back and forth, we have to save the world!
BRIT: Giles, you want a hit?
GILES: Thought you'd never ask. (Giles sits down, taking a cross shaped bong out of his jacket and lighting it up)

(Cut to Buffy and all those other guys on a really fascinating tour of British Intelligence)
BASIL: And here is where Bertha found out about Pedro's and Charles' relationship, and over here is where Charles was standing when she threw the file folders at him. Boy that was a rowdy day.
XANDER: Can't go on living...too bored...I'm going to die of boredom!
(Suddenly Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank come crashing through the wall, prepared to wreak havoc onto the evil fighting organization.)
Dr. Forrester: Ha ha! I am here to hurt all of you very painfully.
TV'S FRANK: Wait, isn't that-- (he looks curiously at Oz)
DR. FORRESTER: How the devil did you get out here?
Oz: Huh?
TV'S FRANK: We better get him home! Dr. Evil doesn't want anyone but him to kill Scott!
Oz: What are you--
(Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank grab Oz and drag him back into their hole in the wall, where they promptly disappear.)
WILLOW: Buffy! They took Oz!
BUFFY: No shit, Sherlock! What do we do?
BASIL: Nothing! Wait for the meeting upstairs to end, and they will have a plan. In fact, I should be sending some Doritos and things up there; I suspect they'll be getting the munchies soon.

(Back to Dr. Evil's Lair, where Frau, Dr. Evil and Number Two are playing Scrabble.)
DR. EVIL:  I challenge the word petroleum!
NUMBER TWO:  It's a word Dr. Evil.
DR. EVIL: How do you know?
NUMBER TWO: A zig-zaggy red line didn't show up under it on the spell check, did it?
(Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank come into the main room still carrying an utterly confused Oz.)
DR. EVIL:  Scott, a pleasure to see you, I thought you had retired to your room for the evening!
Oz: Um, what?
DR. EVIL: Scott, it is WAY past your bedtime young man!
Oz: Scott? What are you--?
DR. EVIL: Number Two, please escort Scott to his room!
NUMBER TWO:  Yes sir!
(Number Two takes Oz by the elbow and marches him out of the room and down a long hallway. Oz just follows, to confused to speak, because I really don't want to make a hallway scene. They show up outside a door marked DO NOT ENTER with rock music blasting from inside. Number Two leaves Oz there, who looks at the door suspiciously, then timidly knocks.)
Knock Knock
SCOTT (muffled from inside): Go away!
OZ: Oh, okay, but, where should I go?
SCOTT (voice coming closer as he walks to the door): How the hell should I know? Go wherever you fucking (opens door and stops short) want.
(They stare at each other for a moment.)
SCOTT (softly, as he is very much mesmerized): Who are you?
OZ: I'm Oz.
SCOTT: Scott (they shake hands) How did you get here?
OZ: Some weird guys I recognize from TV thought I was you, I guess. They took me from the British Intelligence building to this place.
SCOTT: Cool. Why were you at British Intelligence?
OZ: My girlfriend is best friend's with the slayer, so we and her other friend all got dragged with Buffy and her watcher to London to help fight Dr. Evil. Frankly I didn't want to be in that building at all and I guess I'm not anymore. (looking around) Where am I?
SCOTT: Dr. Evil's secret hideout.
OZ (slightly scared): Oh...
SCOTT: No, its okay, they think you're me, it's all cool. So, you want to crash in my room? I have doughnuts and ShowTime.
OZ: Yeah, sure.
(Oz enters Scott's room, Scott looks both ways down the hall before closing the door.)

(Back to Dr. Evil)
DR. EVIL: So, did you see the slayer?
DR. FORRESTER: I guess. Not sure. We came in; saw Scott, then left to bring him back.
TV'S FRANK: We thought you'd be worried about him.
DR EVIL: Well I very obviously wasn't! You two insignificant blundering bambinos didn't even bother to tap someone on the shoulder and maybe say, "Might you know where the slayer is?" No, you couldn't do that, you were too busy rushing my idiot son back home, you a-hole!
DR. FORRESTER: Dr. Evil, I'm sorry, I just thought--
DR. EVIL: YOU THOUGHT WRONG! All right, never mind this arguing, I'm just going to kill you both (presses button on little pad, sending Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank into the flaming pit.)
NUMBER TWO: Dr. Evil, maybe Scott knows something about the slayer; he was there, in the facility somehow.
DR. EVIL: Very well, I will go down to my son's room at once to question him.

(Cut to Scott's room, where Oz and Scott are hanging out, passing a joint back and forth. There's a loud knock on the door, and Oz hides in the closet.)
DR. EVIL (entering): Scott, we need to talk.
SCOTT: What do you want?
DR. EVIL: I want-- do I smell marijuana?
SCOTT (hiding joint behind him, quickly putting it out): Of course not.
DR. EVIL: Oh, okay, I just thought, must have something stuck in my nose hairs again.
SCOTT: Happens every time you come into my room.
DR. EVIL: Yes, it does... Anyway, I was wondering something. Why were you at British Intelligence? Daddy never told you that you could go there, it's off limits.
SCOTT: I go where I want. You're not my boss.
DR. EVIL: Listen young man, I theoretically brought you into this world, and I can hypothetically take you out of it!
SCOTT: Screw you!
DR. EVIL: Who is the slayer? I need to know who he is!
SCOTT: She is none of your business! Piss off!
DR. EVIL: She? Wait what are you talking--
SCOTT: Leave! I have stuff to smoke!
DR. EVIL: That's it, no dessert for you, mister!
 (Dr. Evil exits in a huff. Oz slides out of the closet carefully.)
OZ: Wow, he seemed mad.
SCOTT:  Don't worry, the guy's an idiot, he's never actually done anything threatening to the world.
OZ: Then why do people fear him so much?
SCOTT: He's the one who ultimately decides whether Friends will stay on the air. People don't want to piss him off too much or he'll nix the show. That and he has a knack for getting nuclear warheads easily.
OZ: But doesn't some Austin guy get your dad every time?
SCOTT: No he doesn't! That's not true!
OZ: Sorry, I'm just going by the back of the video box here.
SCOTT:  My dad had Austin assassinated. Caught him while he was on the crapper. Very cool. Although I would hate to have to be the coroner who had to wipe the dead body's butt.
OZ: Totally agree.
SCOTT: So, want to see my Sega?
OZ: Okay.
 
(Cut to British Intelligence, where Giles is staggering out of Department meeting.)
GILES (sounding oddly like Ozzy): ROCK AND ROLL!
BASIL (coming into hall): There you are, Rupert!
WILLOW: Giles, they took Oz!
GILES: Who did?
XANDER: Somebody working for Dr. Evil, we have to get him back! Who am I going to beat up on without him here?
BUFFY: How about nobody?
XANDER: Oh you are just asking for it, Buffy.
WILLOW: Giles, we have to find Oz! We have to!
GILES: Why are you so eager, I thought you were gay.
WILLOW: I AM NOT!
BASIL: Please stop arguing, we need to form a full assault.
XANDER + BUFFY + WILLOW: It's Canada's fault.
GILES: No time for show tunes, we need to get cracking on this Evil fellow's secret lair.
BASIL: Well, we know that Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank are working for him.
GILES: Ah, of course! Well we know exactly where Dr. Evil is hiding then!
XANDER: Giles, your sarcastic voice is a lot like your regular one.
GILES: This isn't my sarcastic voice! Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank are from Mystery Science Theater 3000. One of the MST 3K episodes was where Mike watched the movie Quest of the Delta Knights! The man who plays Paul in Spin City was in that movie! Charlie Sheen, who is also in Spin City was in Hot Shots and Hot Shots Part Deux. Ryan Styles was in Hot Shots 2, and he is also practically a regular on Whose Line Is It Anyway?. Whose Line was originally filmed in England. If Doctor Evil's headquarters were somewhere in England, where would they have to be so that Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank could come and go from the British Intelligence Agency so easily? Well right here in London, of course.
XANDER: Could you repeat that?
GILES: No, we need to get to a place with a large map of London.
BUFFY: Where is that?
GILES: We must go (dramatic pause) to a Travel Agency
(Everyone gasps)

(We'll leave you in suspense and go check off Doctor Evil, shall we?)
DR. EVIL: It might seem that the only D.I.C.K. we have left is Professor Cold Heart, but rest assured I have special ordered back up!
SCOTT: As long as people give you permission to hold sharp shiny objects I will never rest assured.
DR. EVIL: You know what Scott, I have a question for you.
SCOTT: What?
DR. EVIL:  Your wardrobe. You were wearing this earlier, then when you came back from BI you were wearing something completely different and now you are back to this selection of clothes. A little obsessive about changing clothes, are we Scotty?
SCOTT (thinking fast): The wardrobe people must have gotten confused between scenes.
DR. EVIL: Ah yes, blame the wardrobe people. I swear they must be Canadian! But seriously, I have new super villains, and if people would stop interrupting me...
SCOTT: You interrupted yourself!
DR. EVIL: Shh. Say Scott, did you know that a bad actor and bad singer is a very powerful weapon? And the one I have brought into our organization I'm sure will prove to be a very reliable asset. (He laughs slightly) No one? Oh, you'll laugh once you meet her.
SCOTT (sarcastic): I'm sure we will.
DR. EVIL: I would like you all to meet, J.Lo!
SCOTT: Shit.
DR. EVIL: You don't like Jennifer Lopez?
SCOTT: No, it's just that everyone is going to be saying stupid ass jokes around her even though they are SO old!
DR. EVIL: I beg to differ Scott. I don't think anyone will be cracking any jokes around her (laughs again) Get it? Cracking, butt crack?
NUMBER TWO: I think we all got it Doctor Evil.
DR. EVIL: Fine, I'm sorry for explaining my joke. No need to be rude, I was just making sure everyone on the hole got it. If everyone saw the joke on the hole. Saw me poking fun at the hole. Watched me--
SCOTT: No matter how hard you try, you won't be able to get poking cock into the hole on that tangent.
DR. EVIL: Watch me. Let's see. Poke fun. Fun as in chickens?
NUMBER TWO: I don't think so.
DR. EVIL: Funny as a rubber chicken. I'm poking a rubber chicken of fun at the hole. I'm poking a 'cock' if you will at the hole. Does everyone see me poking cock at the hole?
SCOTT: You're an idiot.
DR. EVIL: Be that as it may, I would like you all to meet, J.Lo!
SCOTT: Didn't you say that earlier?
DR. EVIL: I did, but everyone kept talking so we had to stall her entrance.
SCOTT: Everyone was talking? YOU were talking! And KEPT talking!
DR. EVIL: Okay, you know what Scott?
J.LO: Excuse me? Can I come out now?
NUMBER TWO: Yes, please!
(J.Lo, along with her vastly overly made fun of ass come bouncing into the room.)
DR. EVIL: Well somebody sat on a bunch of Jell-O and it somehow got absorbed by their butt cheeks in some weird--
SCOTT: GIVE IT A REST!
DR. EVIL: Fine, but Scott, our next guest is sure to impress. Do you like the Terminator films, Scott?
SCOTT: You got the Terminator to join D.I.C.K.?
DR. EVIL: Not at all, but I have the next best thing!
SCOTT: What?
DR. EVIL: The Sherminator!
(Scott groans loudly as a geeky red headed kid comes walking awkwardly into the room.)
SHERMINATOR (seeing J.Lo): Beauty located and targeted, (he starts walking towards J.Lo, who laughs at him.)
SHERMINATOR: Access denied.
SCOTT (to Dr. Evil): You are SUCH an idiot!
DR. EVIL: Alright you ungrateful adolescent, you can just go to your room! I happened to have gotten Darth Vader just for you, but you know what? Just go!
SCOTT: Wait, you got Vader?
DR. EVIL: Frau, please call for Darth Vader.
FRAU (screaming): SEND IN DARTH!
(In enters a tiny little blonde haired boy)
SCOTT: You got the nine year old Anakin from the Phantom Menace? I HATE you!
ANAKIN: I wish less people would call me Darth and more people would spend time on decent acting lessons.
SCOTT: Don't we all. Fuck this, I'm going to my room!
(Scott exits)
(Professor Cold Heart enters)
PROFESSOR COLD HEART: Dr. Evil, I got word that the slayer knows you're in London!
DR. EVIL: And what gave you that idea?
PROFESSOR COLD HEART: There was this girl skipping down the streets in London singing, "I'm the slayer and I know that Dr. Evil is in London!"
DR. EVIL: Riiight. So, I suppose this means our D.I.C.K. is ready for action! Alright boys and incredibly large assed girl, let's suit up, and we'll go attack the slayer and her friends. Well, by suit up, I mean put on helmets with flashlights on them, and when I say we, I mean Professor Cold Heart, and when I say attack, I mean get brutally killed by.
PROFESSOR COLD HEART: Well as long as we're clear on your meanings, wait, why must I go to die?
DR. EVIL: Your character just doesn't do it for me. I don't find you frightening. If I knew more about Care Bears, maybe I could envision your parodied role better, but I don't so you're just boring.
PROFESSOR COLD HEART: I highly doubt that's my fault!
DR. EVIL: No, it's not (looks menacingly up at author)
(Oh shut up, I haven't watched Care Bears in FOREVER!)

(Cut to Oz in Scott's room, staring at ceiling. Scott enters and watches him think for a minute)
SCOTT: Do you miss them?
OZ: A little. I guess I miss my girlfriend, and it was always fun to push Xander around, but it's only been an hour.
SCOTT: Yeah, you've been separated from them for about the same length as you would be if you were taking a really bad crap.
OZ: Geez, sure takes you a long time to go to the bathroom.
SCOTT: I must get it from my dad or something.
OZ: Whenever anyone points out a flaw about you, do you always blame your dad?
SCOTT: Maybe. My dad does it all the time; I probably inherited it from him.
OZ: Of course you did. I have to pee, where do I go?
SCOTT: Hold on, we should change into the same clothes, that way if we walk around people won't get too confused.
OZ: Unless the fact that there are two of us confuses them.
SCOTT: You know what I mean. I'll go get some food, you go piss.
(Suddenly they are wearing black shirts and blue jeans, with white bowling shirts on)
OZ: Generic much?
SCOTT: Shit up.
OZ: What?
SCOTT: I meant to say shut up. Someone must have typed it wrong (looks menacingly up at author)
(Oh shut up, I can barely see the keyboard in this light and I'd like to point out your dad did the SAME thing to me earlier!)
(Scott leaves room in a huff. Oz follows.)
(Number Two runs into Oz in the hall.)
NUMBER TWO: Scott, how are you, pal?
OZ: I-I'm good.
NUMBER TWO: Glad to hear it. Don't worry, I'm trying to find some better villains for this D.I.C.K. organization, besides the moron's your father is finding.
OZ: Um, good. I'm glad.
NUMBER TWO: So, do you need anything?
OZ: Well, I kind of have to pee.
NUMBER TWO: Oh, I apologize from keeping you. I trust you know where the lavatory is?
OZ: Um, (looks around) no, actually, I um, I've gone blank.
NUMBER TWO (laughs): Just down the hall, door marked 'Bathroom'.
OZ: Thanks (hurries down hall)
NUMBER TWO: Oh, and Scott?
OZ: Yeah?
NUMBER TWO: I could have sworn your hair was black earlier, dye these days must really work well.
(Oz freezes, hand shooting up to his blonde hair)

(Cut to Buffy, Willow, Xander and Giles outside a Travel Agency.)
GILES: Why you insisted on singing that song on the way here, I will never know! You being the slayer is supposed to be a guarded secret, not a song to be screamed at full volume while frolicking down the cobblestone paths of London!
BUFFY: Well sorry, I felt like singing and that's what came out.
WILLOW: You guys, when are we going to go into the Travel Agency?
XANDER: Giles, I don't want to go in here, I'm scared.
GILES: We all are Xander, we all are.
(They enter. An overly perky woman leaps from behind her desk and greets them at the door)
CLERK: Welcome to the Generic Travel Agency! We here at G.T.A live to serve your traveling needs! How can I help you?
GILES: We need to get to Dr. Evil's secret lair in London.
CLERK: Alright, would you like me to book you a flight to London then? First class?
XANDER: Sure!
WILLOW: No, but, we're already in London!
XANDER: Shh, Willow, first class tickets here!
WILLOW: Xander, we'd sit down, buckle our seat belts, listen to their 10 minute safety presentation, skid ahead about 100 feet to the next terminal, then get off!
BUFFY: Plus, what if the airport loses your luggage like they lost mine? That'd be horrible!
WILLOW: We wouldn't bring luggage!
XANDER: Why not? We'd be traveling too far without a change of clean underwear.
WILLOW: A HUNDRED FEET?
XANDER: I don't like dirty Hanes.
WILLOW: Fine. Xander, please go spend $1000 on a ticket to a town you're already standing in. See if I care.
GILES: Don't listen to her Xander, the girl is only trying to con you out of money!
WILLOW: Wait, no, that's not what I was trying to do at all!
BUFFY (to CLERK): Where is Dr. Evil hiding?
VOICE: I think I can be of more assistance in your travel plans than this dim-witted clerk. How does a one way ticket to Hell sound?
XANDER: What does it cost? You know, I don't want to spend too much
SING SONG COMMERCIAL VOICES: HEY!
PROFESSIONAL COMMERCIAL VOICE: Our costumers only expect the very best from their service.
GILES: Who are you?
(Professor Cold Heart steps out from behind a large plastic palm tree)
PROFESSOR COLD HEART: I am the most feared, the grandest, the meanest--
BUFFY: Cartoon Care Bear character I have ever seen. Oh wait, nope, No Heart was. You, my cold-hearted friend, aren't scary, you're poorly animated!
PROFESSOR COLD HEART: Yeah? So are you!
BUFFY: What?
PROFESSOR COLD HEART: Oh sure, you and what army?
BUFFY: What are you--
PROFESSOR COLD HEART: You want to make something of it?
BUFFY: I don't know what you're--
PROFESSOR COLD HEART: Cheap shot! That was uncalled for!
BUFFY: Who are you talking to?
PROFESSOR COLD HEART: Oh you little bitch, NO ONE insults my momma!
BUFFY: What the hell are you-- (Professor Cold Heart tackles her. The two wrestle as Giles begins to look through brochures looking for a clue to Dr. Evil's whereabouts. Buffy throws Professor Cold Heart across the room where he bangs into a coffee table, completely shattering it. Professor Cold Heart punches Buffy, who kicks him in the evil crotch area.)
PROFESSOR COLD HEART: Oh!
BUFFY: That's all? No big screams or groans or anything? Just a tiny wussy 'Oh'?
PROFESSOR COLD HEART: I played the lame ass bad guy on a children's animated television show! Do you really think the creators ever made me have enough down there so it would hurt immensely? No, they didn't! They didn't even make a dip in the pants!
XANDER: Anyone else going into a weird visual place involving cartoon anatomy?
WILLOW: I'm suddenly wondering about Space Ghost's schlong.
XANDER: I swear, schlong is just about the greatest word there fucking is!
(All look at Xander)
XANDER: Never mind, just ignore me. See, this is why I miss Oz. He'd get it. He wouldn't say anything, but he would get it.
GILES: Oh, I think we all get it.
PROFESSOR COLD HEART: Can we skip this incessant ramble and go straight to the part where you kill me?
BUFFY: Oh I don't think you're going to kill any-- wait, what, huh?
PROFESSOR COLD HEART: Oh, I know I'm not going to win, I will die within the next page, I really don't mind. Dr. Evil hates me, he just wants me dead as soon as possible.
GILES: If you don't like him so much, why don't you tell us where he is hiding so that after we kill you we can dispose of him as well?
PROFESSOR COLD HEART: Alright. Go down the street to the bookstore, find the most boring book there. That's right, I'm talking about Across Five Aprils. (Group shudders, but head towards door) Pull it out and a portal will appear, allowing you entrance. You must hurry, they'll know I've told! (Everyone is halfway out of the door) Wait, are you going to kill me?
BUFFY: Oh, right, sorry, (runs over to Professor Cold Heart and snaps his neck) All right, let's go!

(Cut to Scott's bedroom as Oz is hurrying in)
SCOTT: Hey. What's up? Want some chicken.
OZ: Listen to me, you've got to, yeah gimme the other leg, okay you have to, got anything to drink? Thanks. But seriously, is there anything else, green beans, mashed potatoes?
SCOTT: Do I look like fucking KFC? What are you trying to tell me? And yeah, green beans in the can and the mashed potatoes are in the (coughs) still in the KFC bag.
OZ: Thanks. Okay, our hair. We didn't even think about it. Now, no one has noticed yet, other than Number Two because they are all giant jackasses, but one of us has to dye it. I think you should dye it blonde, because Number Two did mention my hair being a different color.
SCOTT: So he'd be suspicious, I see what you're saying. Alright, I'll dye it blonde instead of you dyeing black if you go to the next meeting with my dad.
OZ: Okay, sure. I'll do it while you dye.
SCOTT: Wait a sec--
OZ: I spelled it with a y, it just didn't sound like it.
SCOTT: Alright.

(THE NEXT DAY. Cut to a Bookstore, where the Scoobies are looking through the shelves, looking for Across Five Aprils.)
(Suddenly a shelving system crashes to the floor and J.Lo with her flopping ass come waddling into the store.)
J.LO: You must be the slayer
BUFFY:  And you must have the biggest ass in LA. Or London, considering we aren't even in LA right now...
XANDER: Damn woman, your ass is so big it has it's own congressman!
WILLOW: If you sat on a rainbow, Skittles would come out!
GILES: Oh, I want to try one! Your ass is so big; they had to change the size of pants from "One size fits all" to "One size fits everyone but J.LO and her big ass!"
XANDER: Giles, that doesn't make sense! Why would pants come in "One size fits all"? And why would they change it just because one person's ass is so big they don't fit?
GILES: Fine, sorry. Let me try again. Your ass is so big "Place Your Own Ad" is printed on each of the butt cheeks.
WILLOW: (looks at J.Lo's ass) No it doesn't...
GILES: I know, it's just a joke. I mean, do you really think Skittles would come out of a rainbow if she somehow sat on one?
BUFFY: Uh, yeah! Have you seen this woman's ass?
GILES: I give up. J.Lo ass jokes are years old anyway. We should be on our way.
BUFFY: Yeah, J.Lo, haul ass! Of course, that'll take you a couple trips, won't it?
WILLOW: Oh Buffy, you bad!
XANDER: J.Lo, when you go to a restaurant, you just look at the menu and say "Okay!"
J.LO: That doesn't make sense. Like, I order it all or something?
XANDER: Well, yeah. 'Cause you're fat.
J.LO: I'm not fat, my ass is. Boy you've got your jokes all messed up!
Xander: Yeah, well you're messed up! Why are you in this bookstore anyway?
J.LO: I'm trying to kill you all!
ALL: Wha-huh?
J.LO: I'm a member of Dr. Evil's D.I.C.K!
GILES: His what?
J.LO: D.I.C.K., Downright Insane Council of Killers, don't you people even know who you're fighting?
BUFFY: No, we didn't know we were battling D.I.C.K.
J.LO: Well you are. Now prepare to die!
WILLOW: Oh shit, Buffy, can you stab her in the butt before you kill her?
BUFFY: Sure, but why?
(Buffy picks up a large butcher knife that happen to be laying around)
BUFFY: J.Lo, would you please bend over?
J.LO: Why sure.
(J.Lo bends over and Buffy slices her ass, causing bubbling liquid and gooey ooze to gush out of it and spill to the floor, making gurgling popping noises.)
WILLOW: Our special effects guys wanted something to do, thought I'd give them that.
BUFFY: Good call. Alright, J.Lo, would you please take this knife and kill yourself? We need to find a book.
J.LO: Okay, but after I do this, you're mine!
(The group walks away while J.Lo slits her throat and dies.)
GILES: Well that was fairly ridiculously easy.
BUFFY: Well, that's the author not being awake enough to get into a whole elaborate fight scene and just wanting to stop with the lame ass jokes. (Um, no, it wasn't....okay it was, I have a carefully articulated slacker plan, shhh, don't tell.)

(Cut to Dr. Evil's secret lair. Dr. Evil, Number Two, Anakin Skywalker, The Sherminator, Frau and what looks like Scott, no wait, it's Oz (!) are all sitting around the table having a big family dinner.)
ANAKIN: Frau, will you cut my chicken please?
FRAU: Eh, sure, little Vadar (begins cutting his chicken)
DR. EVIL: So Scott, how was your day?
(Oz keeps eating his food, ignoring Dr. Evil)
DR. EVIL: Don't ignore me you disrespectful insolent shit.
OZ (looking up): Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were talking to-- so, um, what was the question?
NUMBER TWO: Are you feeling alright Scott?
DR. EVIL: Yes Scotty, do you need some Advil? Maybe some Tylenol Flu Medicine? A nice bowl of Campbell soup? Anything else our sponsors might give us?
OZ: No thanks, I'm alright.
DR. EVIL: Alright then. How was your day?
OZ: Uneventful compared to yesterday. How was yours?
(Dr. Evil is struck silent. He stares at Scott for a few seconds before answering with tears welling up in his eyes)
DR. EVIL: Well son, this day is turning out to be so happy, I just want to sing about it.
(A music cue strikes and Dr. Evil stands up, opening his mouth wide to sing)
(A henchman runs in)
HENCHMAN: Dr. Evil, I just got word that--
DR. EVIL: Excuse me, I believe I ordered that no one is to interrupt me when I'm in a singing mood! It happens less and less I want to savor these song and dance times, you know how it goes. Can I get a little respect around here? When I make orders, I expect them to be follo--
HENCHMAN: But sir, something horrible has--
DR. EVIL: And now you're interrupting me! Who the hell hired this henchman? I specifically asked the Evil Henchman Matching Service for silent followers who followed instructions and screamed like girls! Tell me henchman, you have a manly scream, don't you?
HENCHMAN: Yes I do but--
DR. EVIL: See! I ask for a frickin' silent henchman who is frickin' evil and frickin' screams like a frickin' girl! And what do I get but a frickin' henchman who talks non-frickin'-stop, who is only semi-frickin'-evil and whose frickin' scream frickin' sounds like a frickin' guy's. Can somebody throw me a frickin' bone here? I'm begging here, somebody who can follow--
HENCHMAN: J.LO IS DEAD AND THE SLAYER AND HER FRIENDS ARE ON THEIR WAY HERE!
DR. EVIL: Dammit! Why didn't you tell me? You know how I ramble! Guards, do everything in your power to hold the slayer and others back, keep them out of the underground tunnel! Sherminator and Anakin, you will be the second line of defense, make sure they don't enter the lair if they do get into the easily entered tunnel! Just kill them!
OZ: Maybe you should let them it, instead of cut them off, see if they get lost in the tunnel or maybe just bring them here and like, feed them dinner.
DR. EVIL: And I was almost proud of you Scott. Now Daddy has important business for you to do and I'm going to need you to go to your room so you won't make anymore suggestions.
OZ: That doesn't make any sense at al!!
(Yeah I know, I typed it wrong I think--)
DR. EVIL: Room!
OZ: I just--
DR. EVIL: Go!
OZ: But--
DR. EVIL: Rooms to Go Order? You should pick it up and Go to your Room!
OZ: That wasn't even funny, it was--
DR. EVIL: Scott, I am not joking, Daddy has work!
OZ: Oh, you need the utmost concentration while you eat dessert, you big evil hosting fuck stick.
DR. EVIL: Go to your room.
(Oz gets up in a huff and leaves.)

(Cut to Willow searching through a bookshelf, looking for Across Five Aprils. Xander approaches her.)
XANDER: I'm not sure Across Five Aprils is the most boring book I've ever read.
WILLOW: I know, I've never even heard of it. I think the author should have thought the book choice through before she wrote this story.
(You guys remember the two Head Brits? Well I've got a whole bag of raccoons and rabid Eskimos just waiting for you!)
XANDER: Fine, sorry I was just making a comment.
WILLOW: I hope Oz is alright, do you think Dr. Evil is torturing him?
XANDER: He might be. In some way.

(Cut to Dr. Evil's Lair. Dr. Evil is watching Magnum PI at full volume!)
DR. EVIL: Go Tom Selleck! Woo hoo!
OZ: Oh god. OH GOD! NO MORE SELLECK! NO MORE PLEASE!

(Back to Willow and Xander)
WILLOW: Oh! Here it is!
XANDER: Buffy! Giles! Willow found it! Willow found the book!
BUFFY (coming up from behind Xander): We know, the bookstore isn't that big.
(Willow pulls Across Five Aprils from the shelf. As soon as she does, the bookshelf opens up to reveal a hidden door.)
XANDER: Do you think that leads to Dr. Evil's lair?
GILES (sarcastic): No, I think it leads to the Magical Land of Muffins and Pie!
XANDER: Giles, wrong story man!
GILES: I know, I was only being sarcas-- oh forget it, LET'S PLEASE OPEN THE DOOR!
BUFFY: Impatient much? Just hold on while I turn this handle.
(Buffy slowly turns the door handle, opens it to reveal extreme darkness.)
WILLOW: Okay, that's more than fairly frightsome.
BUFFY: Let's go.
(They go.)
(Into the door I mean.)
(Not into the door, but into the room the door led to.)
(But I think you understood that.)
(Let's go to Dr. Evil while they go to the room.)
(Dr. Evil, Frau, Number Two and the real Scott are around the silvery table.)
DR. EVIL: Since the slayer has breeched security, we should probably bring in some new members to the D.I.C.K, what do you say?
SCOTT: I doubt it matters how many shitty so called 'villains' you have, the slayer is still going to beat you!
DR. EVIL: I've had about enough of your pessimistic views Scotty. I am the head of the Downright Insane Council of Killers, mister.
SCOTT: Yes sir, you are the head of the D.I.C.K.
DR. EVIL: And don't you forget it. Anyway, I have called for two more bad guys to aid us in fighting against the slayer and oh whatever; you know what they're supposed to do. Let me introduce you to...
SCOTT: You know what, can I just get it all out now, before you even introduce them?
DR. EVIL: Sure, why not? Then you won't interrupt me.
SCOTT: Shit, dammit, you fucking asshole, fuck, fuck, damn everything to hell you goddamn fuck hole fucking ass rammer, shitass mother god damn fuck you.
DR. EVIL: You finished?
SCOTT: Fuck. Okay, yeah. Shit, but yeah, go on.
DR. EVIL: Alright. Scott, let me introduce you to Joe Estevez as The Man!
SCOTT: From Soul Taker? Oh, 'cause that character was SO scary!
DR. EVIL: What? He scared the shit out of me!
SCOTT: You're an idiot.
DR. EVIL: I thought you had gotten it all out of your system.
SCOTT: You're right. I have to go for a second, scream in the hallway, I'll be RIGHT back.
(Scott walks out into the hallway, where Oz is walking down the hall, wearing the same clothes, of course, holding a screwdriver.)
SCOTT: What's with the screwdriver?
OZ: I'm looking useful.
SCOTT: No you aren't, you're walking up and down the hall holding a screwdriver.
OZ: But with a helpful disposition.
SCOTT: You want to be helpful? Give me that screwdriver, wait, is that a hammer in your pocket?
OZ: Just in case something happens to the screwdriver.
SCOTT: Gimme that! Keep the hammer, just go in there and tell off my dad, he's bringing in new D.I.C.K people, so far it's this weird could be Martin Sheen but it's not, the lesser known Joe Estevez.
OZ: Scary, alright, see you later.
(Oz hurries into the meeting room, sliding into his seat and watching Joe carefully, who just looks back menacingly.)
DR. EVIL: Our next member, Scott, I think you will like our next criminal. Do you know of the movie Fight Club?
OZ: Yeah! Who do we have from that? Tyler? Jack? Marla?
DR. EVIL: Better. BOB!
(Pause)
OZ: The guy with the bitch tits?
DR. EVIL: Exactly.
OZ: But he died.
DR. EVIL: Well this is before he joined Project Mayhem or even Fight Club.
OZ: So we have the wimpy crying Bob from the Men Remaining Men Testicular cancer group?
DR. EVIL: That wasn't exactly in the description in the ad, but it might very well be.
BOB: Hi you guys. How are you all today? (he sniffles, wiping his nose with his shirt, making the huge bitch tits flop around)
OZ: Damn.

(Cut to Buffy and co. They are standing in a really dark room, huddled together, worried. All of a sudden the lights turned on and they found themselves face to face with 10 armed guards, blocking another thick door.)
BUFFY: Hi. How are you guys?
GUARD ONE: Good, all rearing and ready to kill you.
GUARD TWO: All of you.
GUARD ONE: They got that, you didn't need to say 'All of you'.
GUARD TWO: Well, sorry, I thought I needed to include it.
GUARD ONE: You don't need to complete my sentences. My ideas are finished when I talk, they need no additions to clarify themselves.
GUARD TWO: Well maybe they do. You might understand what you are saying, but some people need the whole picture, not just your unfinished thoughts!
GUARD ONE: I think that 'ready to kill you' means exactly what it says, that I'm going to kill you. Every you in this room. I need no second hand man telling people that everyone was going to die.
BUFFY: Okay you two, I really think the only yous in this room that will die are you guy, not us, because we are going to kill you.
WILLOW: All of you.
BUFFY: Oh don't you start with me girl.
(Buffy turns and kicks the first guard in the gut, then again in the face. Willow does a spell and knocks out two of the guards, while Xander and Giles fight a few others. Buffy manages to knock out 4, while Xander and Giles each get two. All ten guards lay on the ground, bloody and unconscious, while Buffy wipes her hands on her blouse.)
BUFFY: So, shall we open the door they were guarding?
(Without waiting for an answer (such a rude girl) (oh, parenthesis inside parenthesis, just like earlier) Buffy opens the door, revealing a dark staircase going down to the mouth of a damp, scary looking underground tunnel.)
WILLOW: Oz could be down their somewhere!
GILES: Stupid girl, he wouldn't be in the tunnel, the boy is in Dr. Evil's lair, obviously. Come on though, we need to get moving.

(Cut to Frau and Dr. Evil talking beside a snack table. Frau is sipping coffee while Dr. Evil is heating up a platter of Bagel Bites.)
DR. EVIL: They're like little pizzas, I highly recommend them. No? Not even a taste? You're so scared of change Frau, I mean honestly.
(A Henchman comes running up)
HENCHMAN: Dr. Evil, sir, we just got word that--
DR. EVIL: What are you wearing? Those aren't my carefully designed Henchmen uniform clothes, what's with the different ensemble? Do you not know how I feel about alteration?
FRAU: Do you not know zat is anuther verd for change?
DR. EVIL: Not now, I swear Henchman, if my delicious little bagel pizzas weren't done I'd take you out to the barn and give you a taste of my belt, but instead I shall be eating these scrumptious--
HENCHMAN: Dr. Evil, the ten guards blocking the entrance to the underground tunnel are dead! The slayer and those three others are heading towards us!
DR. EVIL: What is it with henchmen and their need to INTERRUPT ME? You're all doing it, you unworthy, confused circus animals; you just don't understand anything at all.
(Oz and Number Two enter the room. Number Two picks up a cup of coffee, while Oz takes a Bagel Bite.)
NUMBER TWO: Anakin and that annoying teenager are in position, should the slayer make it through our tunnel.
DR. EVIL: Very good. Bob, how might you be doing today?
BOB (entering the room): I'm better than yesterday. I am still a man. Thank you so much for caring, you have no idea what that means to me.
DR. EVIL: I really don't care, I was only making conversation but all right. So Scotty, how is that Bagel Bite working out for you?
(Oz doesn't respond, for his name isn't Scott and once again he doesn't realize Dr. Evil is talking to him. He just eats his little bagel pizza and leaves, not paying Dr. Evil any mind at all.)
DR. EVIL: Well I guess he was just really into the Bagel Bite, you know how those things are. Yeah. Bob, I want you to follow him, talk to my son, perhaps show him your lack of testicles for a bonding yet torturing experience, or not, whatever floats your wagon.
BOB: Alright sir, Bob is ready for duty sir!
(Bob walks out into the hall, where Scott is standing with a screwdriver, fiddling with the screws in the wall.)
BOB: Hey young man, I don't know if your father would approve of you tearing the walls down.
SCOTT: Fuck off.
BOB: Now I was only joking, come on now. How are you doing?
SCOTT: I'm fine. (He walks quickly around the corner, smirking ever so slightly.)
(Bob follows. As he turns a corner he sees Oz standing in front of a door that is swinging shut.)
BOB: I'm glad you're fine, I'm doing good myself. Would you like to go get something to eat with me?
OZ: Not that hungry, actually.
BOB: Oh come now, Scott I'm sure you're a little, hey, didn't you have a screwdriver a second ago?
OZ: (looking at the hammer in his hand): No, what are you blind? This is a hammer, not a screwdriver.
BOB: Oh, sorry. So what are you-- (Oz turns and walks into room he had been standing in front of.)
(Bob follows. Scott is sitting on a table in the room, smiling.)
BOB: You're a swift little guy, aren't you? Let's see, the cabinets in this room must have something to eat. (he turns away from Scott and begins going through the cabinets)
SCOTT: Maybe if you stopped eating so much you'd lose weight and your massive breasts wouldn't be so--
BOB: Hey mister, that is entirely, huh? (he turns toward Scott, but the table is empty. He turns back to the cabinet, where Oz is sitting on the counter.)
BOB (jumping back): How did you do that?
OZ: Do what?
BOB: You were there, now you're here.
OZ: It's called moving, dumb ass.
BOB: Nice try Scott, I know something is going on. (There is a crash behind him. He turns around, but there is nothing. Bob turns back to the counter, but Oz is gone.) Where did you- - (Bob turns around to find Scott sitting on the table.)
BOB: How do you do that?
SCOTT: Not sure. There might be some food in the closet, want me to check?
BOB: Sure.
(Scott walks into the closet and Oz walks out with a box of crackers)
OZ: Here you go.
BOB (taking the crackers, eyeing Oz suspiciously): Thanks. (slowly) That was really fast.
OZ: Well they were right there on the shelf.
BOB: Oh, of course they were.
(He walks quickly to the closet, swinging open the door.)
OZ: Wait, I already gave you the--
(Bob looks away from Oz at Scott, who is crouching on the floor in the closet.)
BOB: There are two of you?
(Scott says nothing. He shoves Bob, causing the massive man with the colossal breasts to topple over onto his back. He is too round to sit up, so he lays on the ground, weighted down by his bitch tits, flailing his arms as Oz and Scott run out of the room, laughing their heads off.)

(Fade to black then fade in to Buffy, Xander, Willow and Giles as they squint through the dim candle light in the tunnel at three large holes in the wall in front of them.  The tunnel spilt off into three different directions.)
XANDER: Well, there are four of us, and three of the tunnels, so if we part into groups of two, we should be good to go except that would be even if we had six people wouldn't it? If only Oz was here, then we'd have six. Wait, no, we'd have five. Huh? What's three divided by two? Would that help at all?
BUFFY: Enough mathematics for the insane! Giles, you and I will go down that tunnel, it's the darkest. Willow, you take the middle one, Xander, I'm trusting you with the tunnel to the far left, can you do it?
XANDER: Yeah, I really can't.
BUFFY: That's good enough for me. Let's go.
(They all part on their separate ways.)

(Meanwhile, back at the lair. I like that. Instead of Back at the ranch, I said Back at the lair, get it? Did you really get it? Well I did and personally I thought it was ingenious.)

(Meanwhile, back at the lair, Dr. Evil is approached by another henchman.)
HENCHMAN: Dr. Evil, we just got word that the slayer and her watcher are going down the right tunnel to our lair.
DR. EVIL: Oh, so it's OUR lair now? I believe this is really MY lair, little henchman, yeah, it's mine, not yours. MINE. And who do you have telling you all this information? Who is watching the tunnel?
HENCHMAN: Well we know a little girl that can walk through walls.
DR. EVIL: Really?
HENCHMAN: No, we don't. Not really. But we do have a person in the upper office who always knows what's going on.

Buffy (cutting into the story and looking up at the sky): YOU TIPPED DR. EVIL OFF? TOLD HIM WE WERE COMING?
(Hey, you interrupted the scene, why should I pay you respect?)
BUFFY: I can't believe you would DO that!
(Well I would! Now piss off and keep walking towards your inevitable death!)
BUFFY: You know, just for that I'm going to win!
(But, no! You can't, that's not right, you can't beat the D.I.C.K!)
BUFFY: You just wait, I'll beat Dr. Evil's D.I.C.K! Wait, that sounded--

DR. EVIL: Excuse me, can we maybe get back to my scene please? Yes? Okay, thanks. Joe, come here!
(Joe Estevez as The Man comes stalking slowly into the room, frowning with his furrowed brow and eye shadow.)
JOE: ... (for I don't remember him saying anything)
DR. EVIL: Why wouldn't he say anything?
(I don't know, I saw Soul Taker a really long time ago in a Mystery Science Theater episode, I can't remember if he talked or not!)
DR. EVIL: Fine, fine. Joe, I want you to go and seal off the pit, in case someone gets past it.
(Dude, what pit? I never wrote in a pit!)
DR. EVIL (sneering): Well you'll just have to write one in then, won't you?
(Bastard)
DR. EVIL: Joe, hurry on then, I'm late for my manicure. Must keep these nails healthy so they don't break off while I menacingly tap them with frightening rhythm am I right?
JOE: Of course sir.

(Screen dissolves with a checkerboard pattern and opens again with Buffy and Giles as they skip merrily down the tunnel.)
BUFFY AND GILES (singing at the tops of their voices): BURN BABY BURN! BURN BABY BURN! DISCO INFERNO!!
(They stop singing, laughing joyfully, and wiping tear from their eyes.)
GILES: Well that was bloody brilliant fun, wasn't it?
BUFFY: It was quite dandy. But seriously, we should keep going, I think we're almost through.
GILES: Alright then. But just one more song, please?
BUFFY: No Giles, no more Fat Bottomed Girls, I BEG you!
GILES: But I--
BUFFY: I can hear the author blasting through her headphones, don't you start singing it too!
GILES: Fine fine. Say, who is that up ahead?
VOICE: Slayer located, ooh, power identified. The Sherminator moves in for the kill. Er Beauty. (He laughs in an uber geeky way.)
BUFFY: Oh crap.

(What's Willow up to I wonder?)
(Willow is nearing the end of her tunnel, because showing them walking is SO not interesting. She comes up to something glowing. It's a huge fiery pit blocking her way. Through the scorching flames she can make out a figure, it's...)
WILLOW: Martin Sheen?
JOE: No, how dare you--
WILLOW: Oh, I'm sorry, Charlie?
JOE: No! I am Joe Estevez!
WILLOW: Charlie's brother?
JOE: MARTIN'S BROTHER
WILLOW: Oh, SORRY! Hi Joe, what's up?
JOE: The D.I.C.K. is up. We are all on to your plans, and I am prepared to kill you horribly.
WILLOW: What, are you going to walk slowly at me? No offense, but it's not that scary.
(The flames between her and The Man grow higher. Willow shrieks at the hotness of the flames, and backs up.)
JOE: I am The Man, all fear me!
WILLOW: DAMN THE MAN! SAVE EMPIRE RECORDS!
JOE: What?
WILLOW: Nothing, forget it. How do I get out of here?
JOE: Yes, I suppose you'd want to get back to your friends, the slayer and her watcher are about to be killed.
WILLOW: Oh no! I must save them like a good little heroic sidekick!
JOE: I don't think so... (He makes the flames grow higher with his special magical D.I.C.K powers. Willow screams again, which is really stupid because no one can hear her and it isn't THAT scary here in the fiery pit of death and now that I think about it, it does sound fairly frightening.)
WILLOW: Just fairly. (Willow sees a path around the flames. Without realizing where it leads, she runs around the outer edge of the pit, right into Joe. Joe uses that magical Downright Insane Council of Killers power and ties her up neatly in a bow, hauling her back to the main lair, as a hostage.)

(Cut to Oz and Scott barreling down a steep flight of stairs.)
OZ: He's going to kill us!
SCOTT: Don't worry, fat people can't climb down stairs!
(Oz turns and watches Bob run down the stairs after them)
OZ: They can't climb UP stairs, but going down they can do!
SCOTT: No no no, trust me.
OZ: But- (He is interrupted by a loud girly scream.  They turn around and flatten themselves against the wall as Bob, who has tripped on his sagging fat, flips over and flies down the stairs, rolling and hitting every step painfully.)
OZ: (as Bob goes rolling past): Huh, that's disgusting.
SCOTT: Flopping fat is definitely not a turn on. But he'll be back on his feet eventually. Let's go.
(They go running down the stairs, making a point to jump the last three steps and land on Bob's stomach. Then they race down a dark hallway, and out of site. Er, sight.)

(Scene goes to Buffy and Giles, as they face the Sherminator.)
SHERMINATOR: Victims in fighting range. Preparing for killing.
BUFFY: Wow, dork much? Who talks this much before fighting?
GILES (clearing throat): You do.
BUFFY: Being the slayer makes it obligatory for me to pun.
SHERMINATOR: Ready to launch the-
BUFFY: Shut up, we're talking! (she punches Sherminator in the face, and rams him against the wall.)
SHERMINATOR: Massive pain centered in nose, activate-
BUFFY: Shut up! (she knees him in the gut, he keels over in pain and she snaps his neck) Dorks annoy me.
GILES: You didn't even pun.
BUFFY: You embarrassed me, I didn't feel like it. Giles, what's that?
(She points to a boy hanging off of Giles' arm, biting him.)
GILES: Bloody hell, I have no idea, (he swings his arm, and Anakin goes flying across the room.)
BUFFY: Isn't that a really little Darth Vader?
ANAKIN: My name isn't Darth or Vader, it's ANAKIN!
BUFFY: Because that's SO much better.
GILES: Now now Buffy, don't taunt the child.
ANAKIN: I'm not a child!
GILES: How old are you?
ANAKIN: This many (he holds up nine fingers)
BUFFY: Yeah, you're not childish at all!
(Anakin drops eight fingers, flipping Buffy off)
BUFFY: Now that's just rude! You should act your age! (she kicks the poor wee one in the stomach, and he tumbles across the room)
GILES: Children these days have no respect for their elders.
ANAKIN: I should, you are my elder by many many years!
BUFFY: Was that supposed to be an insult? It sounds like little itty bitty Anakin is trying to insult the big boys, but his itty bitty grammar isn't as good enough as it should be well.
GILES: Sounds like more than just Anakin have that problem.

(Cut to Bob running down a hall, bobbing up and down. Covered in sweat.)
BOB: Where are you guys?
(He runs past a wooden door. As soon as he is further down the dark hallway, the thick door creaks open and Oz and Scott slip out, chuckling.)
SCOTT: I almost feel bad.
OZ: Almost.
SCOTT: Uh oh, is he turning around?
(The thundering footsteps seem to be coming back their way. The boys run through a door across the hall, disappearing as Bob jogs back)
BOB (singing to the tune of She'll Be Coming Around the Mountain): I'll be telling Dr. Evil, I'll be telling Dr. Evil, I'll be telling Dr. Evil about his sons

(Oz and Scott are in a pitch-black room. The door clicks behind them.)
OZ: Where are we?
SCOTT: Not sure, where's the door?
OZ: Wait, let me ask the author to give us some more light.
(Why should I?)
SCOTT: Please, the scene would go so much smoother if we could see what we're doing!
(The room lightens up a little bit, being lit from a small torch mounted on the wall. In the dim light, they can make out the door they came through, and a large hole in the wall.)
SCOTT (pulling on the knob of the door leading to the hall): I-can't-get-it-open
OZ (glancing at the hole in the wall): You hear something?
SCOTT: No. Help me!
(Oz grabs the door handle with Scott and they pull forcefully on the door. It moves the tiniest bit.)
SCOTT: Damn, we need someone else! (He slams fist into door) JESUS THAT HURT!
OZ: You sure you don't hear something? (the distant padding of footsteps echoes through the room.)
SCOTT: Probably Bob.
OZ: No, I think it's coming from the hole in the wall.
SCOTT: The wall hole? You sure? (He cups hands over his mouth and shouts) ANYBODY THERE?
(The padding stops.)
VOICE: Oz?
Oz (grinning): Xander?
(Xander comes climbing through the hole in the wall.)
XANDER: Oz, I'm so glad I found you, I thought I was completely lost and-
(He looks at Oz and Scott) Huh? Oz?
SCOTT: Yeah?
OZ (looking at Scott): What?
SCOTT: Xander, where are the others?
OZ: Xander, what's going on?
XANDER: Pretty much the same question to ask you guys, Oz, who is um- (gestures to Oz) this?
SCOTT: That's Scott Evil, Dr. Evil's son.
OZ: Wait, what?
SCOTT: He's a little slow.
OZ: But-
XANDER: Oh, ok, Oz, how do we get out of here?
SCOTT: We're trying to open this door.
(Xander and Scott begin the pulling of the handle.)
SCOTT: Scott, you gonna help?
OZ: But I-yeah (he sighs, grabbing the handle.)

(Cut to Giles, wrestling with Anakin)
GILES: Where's Dr. Evil? WHERE IS DOCTOR EVIL?
ANAKIN: Owie! You're hurting me mister!
BUFFY: Hey Anakin, you want some chocolate?
(Anakin jumps away from Giles)
ANAKIN: YES YES YES YES
BUFFY: If you lead us to Doctor Evil, I'll give you chocolate.
ANAKIN: Okey dokey (he giggles, and begin walking down the tunnel) Right through here!

(Back to Oz and Scott and Xander, as they walk down the hallway towards the main meeting room.)
XANDER: Should we just be walking in like this? Shouldn't we be hiding?
SCOTT: Yeah, Scott, you go and distract your dad, Xander and I will go to your room.
OZ: Fine
XANDER: Something wrong, Scott?
(Oz opens his mouth, but Scott interrupts)
SCOTT: He's fine, let's just-
(A scream comes from a room down the hall)
OZ and XANDER: Willow!
SCOTT (trying to remember who Willow is): Oh no.
(They run down the hall to a room where Joe Estevez is tying Willow to a chair, a gag stuffed into her mouth.)
XANDER: WILLOW! (he runs in and shoves Joe hard, fighting him.)
(Oz shoves Scott, and untucks his shirt like Scott's, so they look exactly the same, clothes-wise. Then he runs to Willow.)
OZ (taking the gag out): Will, are you okay?
WILLOW: Oz, who is that? (she looks over at Scott, who is pulling Xander off of Joe.)
OZ: That's Scott, he's trying to-
SCOTT: Xander come on, we have to go before Dr. Evil finds us!
OZ: Xander wait, we have to untie Willow.
XANDER: Okay, Oz. (he turns to Scott) Go distract your dad, we'll get Willow out of here.
SCOTT: Yeah, okay (shoots Oz a fiery look before departing)
OZ: Xander, listen, Scott is starting to act- like-
XANDER: Willow, are you all right?
WILLOW: Yeah I am.
XANDER: Okay good. (he stands up) Oz come on, we have to go to Scott's room.
OZ: Yeah. Will, stay there.
(They leave.)
WILLOW (all alone): Can't really move, seeing I'm tied up here. Thanks for helping me by the way.

(Cut to Dr. Evil's main lair room, where he is waiting for dinner)
(Scott comes running in)
SCOTT: DAD! One of the slayer's friends is out loose! Willow is tied up but Xander's out running around!
DR. EVIL: Who are Willow and Xander?
SCOTT: Oz's friends.
DR. EVIL: And who is Oz?
SCOTT: The slayer's friend.
DR. EVIL: And the slayer's name?
SCOTT: Buffy.
DR. EVIL: Ahh, I once knew an elephant named Buffy. She was quite wily until I had to have her put down, vicious you know, constantly waving that long gray appendage.
SCOTT: The trunk?
DR. EVIL: Perhaps. Does Oz's friend, the slayer, Buffy, the one with the elephant name, does she like peanuts? It really doesn't matter. Why aren't you hunting Xander down? Hmm, Xander...
SCOTT: Did you know a squirrel named Xander once?
DR. EVIL: Of course not, who the dickens names squirrels? It was a penguin. Oh he was such a-
SCOTT: Please stop, I'll just go.
(Scott runs to his room. As Scott leaves, Buffy and Giles come in, followed by Anakin, who is wolfing down chocolate.)
BUFFY: You must be Dr. Evil.
DR. EVIL: And who might you be?
BUFFY: I'm Buffy, the slayer.
DR. EVIL: Oh shit.

(Cut to Scott's room, Oz and Xander are catching up.)
XANDER: Then we were in this bookstore, and J.Lo came up to us and we were like-
OZ: Listen Xander, in the room where we met, Scott was-
XANDER: Acting really weird. But you've started talking a lot more, which I think is cool.
OZ: But you aren't listening. Scott, he's- (Scott enters)
SCOTT: You guys, I think Buffy and Giles are meeting my dad.
XANDER: Time for a big fight scene?
OZ: Maybe. Xand, I need to talk to Scott, will you go and get Willow?
XANDER: Sure (he runs away)
OZ: What the hell man? Why were you telling Xander you were me?
SCOTT: Isn't it obvious? I hate this shit hole, I want out. You are my only way out!
OZ: You would actually do that?
SCOOT: Of course I--, huh?
(I meant Scott, sorry!)
SCOTT: Of course I would!
OZ: I'm not staying here in your place!
SCOTT: I don't think you have a choice.
(Scott leaves, leaving Oz to do his furrowed brow before following.)

(Oz runs into the main lair room to see Buffy, Giles, Xander, Willow, Scott, Dr. Evil, Frau, and Number Two all sitting around the table eating dinner.)
OZ: What's going on?
DR. EVIL: Scott, you're late for dinner, wait, what? (he looks from Oz to Scott)
SCOTT: I'm Oz, friend of the slayer.
OZ: But- wait, why are you feeding them?
DR. EVIL: Because I am hungry, and don't feel like fighting yet. Scott, why don't you sit down and-
OZ: I'm not Scott, I'm Oz!
SCOTT: Hey, don't try to pull this again!
OZ: I'm not pulling anything!
SCOTT: Stop doing that, pretending to be me, it's getting old!
OZ: Then you stop making people think you're me!
(Scott tackles Oz, they wrestle on the ground, punching and screaming obscenities.)
DR. EVIL: Fine, if you two aren't going to wait until we finish eating, we might as well start the battle now! (he presses the button for someone to get sent into the burning pit.)
(Unfortunately, it was an empty chair, so everyone gets time to scatter and start fighting.)
(Giles and Number Two pull out yard long sharp swords and begin to fence for no actual reason.)
NUMBER TWO: Engaurd you filthy scoundrel.
GILES: Not I you slimy scalawag!
(They have apparently become pirates)

(Willow and Frau are yelling at each other, but Frau pulls out her whip and begins to smack Willow in a not so frightening way, if you get my hint, think of the word dyke.)

XANDER: Now that's just gross!
(I know, it really is.)
XANDER: Well, aren't you going to erase the sentence or something?
(I don't see why, I can leave it in.)
XANDER: You are such an asshole! This story would have been so much better if you weren't behind the computer!
(OH! YOU DO NOT WANT TO MESS WITH THE AUTHOR!)
XANDER: DON'T I?
(PREPARE TO DIE!)

(A dozen rabid Eskimos carrying raccoons on the tips of their bloody harpoons coming charging into the room. They are just about to kill Xander when a table that has been flipped over by Buffy flattens them.)

BUFFY: Nobody on my side is going to die!
XANDER: Why thank you.
(Screw you)
BUFFY: Dr. Evil, I would like to quote the author as she has quoted so many before her in saying, 'Prepare to Die!'
DR. EVIL: Alas, it is YOU who will die! Frau, lower the laser!
FRAU (throwing whip aside): LOWER THE LASER!
DR. EVIL: The tables have seemed to turn Ms. Summers! Look where my deadly laser is pointing.
(Everyone freezing and watches as the huge red beam hovers over the room and points directly to Oz and Scott, who stop and stand up, both looking freaked.)
DR. EVIL: Someone here is going to die, and as I am constantly aspiring to kill my son, this is an opportunity I refuse to lose. One of these boys is your friend Oz, the other is my son Scott. Choose the one you want to live, and the laser will kill the other one. I am so glad these boys were clever enough to die their hair the same color and wear the exact same clothes. It makes the choice so much easier.
BUFFY: How am I supposed to know which is Oz? Willow, help!
WILLOW: Um, (she looks at Frau) You're decision, I could care less.
SCOTT: Willow, don't be like that!
OZ: Dude, stop! Buffy, I'm Oz!
SCOTT: Uh no you aren't!
OZ: Scott, shut up!
SCOTT: Don't call me Scott! (he slashes his hand through the air at Oz in a weird cat like gesture.)
OZ: That so reminded me of Wolverine.
NUMBER TWO: Wolverine?
OZ: X Men reference, pay no mind.
FRAU: OH!
SCOTT: YES!
FRAU: That one (points to Oz) is Scott! He made an X Men reference the other day!
SCOTT: Finally! You couldn't keep your identity a secret forever, Scott!
XANDER: All right (points to Scott) Come here, move out of the way so this imposter can be killed.
OZ: Xander, BUBBLE!
XANDER: WAIT! (Scott stops moving.) What'd you say?
OZ: Bubble, you idiot, it's me! Remember, in the car, you were trying to penetrate my bubble!
XANDER: Okay that has GOT to be Oz!
SCOTT: No, I told him about it! He is just repeating what I told him!
XANDER: Oh, well, he could be (vastly confused.) I don't know what to do...
GILES: I do. What do you Oz, think about the word Bubble?
SCOTT: It's okay...
OZ: It's not a word you can pull off.
XANDER: OZ!
OZ: NO SHIT!
(Oz runs out of the laser light and he and Xander hug. Once they break from the embrace, Oz shoves Xander.)
OZ: DUMBASS! Of course it was me!
XANDER: You're back! (hugs Oz again!)
DR. EVIL: Alright, enough of this reminiscing, Scott, you stay there, let me just press this button and you will die a quick and very painful death!
(The laser lowers and zooms in on Scott. He begins to scream in pain.)
VOICE: NOW WAIT JUST A MINUTE!
(Wayne and Garth come into the room.)
BACKGROUND MUSIC: WAYNE'S WORLD! WAYNE'S WORLD! IT'S PARTY TIME, EXCELLENT!
WAYNE: Come on you guys, let's not end the story with this! It's almost over; we can't end with Scott dying!
GARTH: Yeah that'd be so uncool!
WAYNE: What ending do you think we should do?
GARTH: How about the Love and Hate ending?
WAYNE: YEAH!
(That wavy doodle-loo thing happens (I can't explain) THIRD TIME WITH THE PARENTHESIS INSIDE PARENTHESIS! Anyway, that thing happens and we try it again.)

(Oz and Xander are hugging)
XANDER: I love you man!
OZ: I love you too!
(They begin to make out)
DR. EVIL: Well isn't that lovely? Scott, as much as I love to admit it, I HATE you! Prepare to DIE!
SCOTT: But Dad, I love you!
DR. EVIL: Save it Mister, you're going to die!
FRAU: I won't let you do that Doctah Evil! (She puts an arm around Scott) Scotty is both of ours, and you are not going to kill him!
BUFFY: Willow, I'm sorry I made fun of your gayness, I love you!
WILLOW: Really Buffy? I love you too!
BUFFY: Eeww, I meant it in a completely platonic way!
WILLOW (quickly): Me too!
GILES: Um Wayne, I'm not I'm enjoying this ending.
NUMBER TWO: Yes, I have a feeling Giles and I are going to start declaring our love for one another and I have the distinct feeling that Xander and Oz are going to suffocate.
WAYNE: You're right. Garth, I'll choose the new ending. Hum, what shall it be? Something classic. The Good Guy-Bad Guy Ending!
GARTH: Good one!
(Doodle-loo doodle-loo wavy thing)
(Xander and Oz are hugging, they break away)
XANDER: What are we going to do with Scott and Doctor Evil?
BUFFY: You are all going to jail you world-dominating bastards!
(Police come running in from all sides, one doing a barrel roll through the window, shattering the glass.)
POLICEMAN: Dr. Evil, I am putting you under arrest for countless tries at taking over the world and the murder of Austin Powers! (he handcuffs Dr. Evil)
(Policemen handcuff Frau, Number Two, and Scott.)
SCOTT: Hey, I'm a minor, aren't I?
POLICEMAN: Why the hell should I care?
OZ: WAIT! (turns to Xander) I know the guy's a dirk, but we can't let him go to jail for the same reasons we couldn't let him die!
XANDER: Alright. WAYNE!
WAYNE: I know I know. You guys don't like it, we'll change it. You don't seem to like the traditional way of things, let's go to bizarreo world!
(Wavy thing)
GARTH: THE BASS FISHING ENDING!
(Everyone is sitting on a boat in the middle of a huge ocean, holding huge fishing poles.)
SCOTT: I kind of like how I'm finally doing something normal.
OZ: Yeah, totally.
WILLOW: I think I got one! (Dr. Evil helps her reel it in)
BUFFY: Okay, I love fishing as much as the next really boring person, but you guys, this makes so little sense it's sickening!
GARTH: You want no sense? LET'S DO THE FIGHT CLUB ENDING!
(Wavy-ness)
(They are back in the lair, it's really dark. Everyone is covered in bruises and blood.)
BUFFY: What are you saying? Why does everyone keep calling me Dr. Evil?
DR. EVIL: Don't you get it yet little missy? The world domination, the assassination of Austin Powers? You did it all. I am you. You are me.  I'm only a figment of your imagination! You've been trying to do all of it, everything! You are the good guy and the bad guy! You are Dr. Evil!
(A dick flashes across the screen)
NUMBER TWO: I'm really sorry, but there are so many plot holes to this ending! I'm not sure if it's believable!
GARTH: Is any of this believable?
WAYNE: Fine, you know what? Let's just do our Happy Ending!
(That damn wavy thing)
(Oz and Xander are hugging. Scott runs over and joins the hug.)
XANDER: Scott, will you come back to Sunnydale with us?
OZ: Yeah, please?
SCOTT: Would love to!
WILLOW (to Frau): Listen, I was thinking, Sunnydale just doesn't do it for me, and can I stay here with you?
FRAU: Of course you can, I'd luv vit.
NUMBER TWO: Giles, you are quite the swordsman, what do you say, would you like to practice with me more often?
GILES: As long as we would have regular tea breaks...
NUMBER TWO: You know we would!
BUFFY: I like this, I'm happy, I don't want to fight anymore! (gushes with happiness) I'm going on vacation!
DR. EVIL: What about me? I'm not ecstatic!
(A man dressed in a snappy snazzy spiffy suit comes in, a huge truck coming in behind him.)
MAN: Doctor Evil, the head of the D.I.C.K?
SCOTT: That's him!
MAN: Dr. Evil, for showing so much support to your sponsors and advertising for them every chance you got, they would all like to reward you.
DR. EVIL: Really? With what? Better henchmen? A new son? A nuclear warhead?
MAN: Better! A lifetime supply of Bagel Bites!
DR. EVIL: Oh. My. God! (screams like a little girl, like all his henchmen should) I don't believe it! THANK YOU!
(He hugs the sponsor man and immediately begins eating Bagel Bites that have already been cooked.)
(He begins to sing the Bagel Bite song, and soon everyone joins in.)
ALL: Pizza in the morning, pizza in the evening, pizza at suppertime! When pizza's on a bagel, you can eat pizza at any time!
SCOTT: Yeah, that wasn't a lame musical interlude!
ALL: S.U.S!
SCOTT: Oh you're all ass-ramming bastards.
(Scene fades away and we star swipe to Wayne and Garth, sitting on their couch.)
WAYNE: Well that was good fun, wasn't it Garth?
GARTH: Sure was Wayne!
WAYNE: All right everybody, we'll be seeing you later! Party on Garth!
GARTH: Party on Wayne!
WAYNE AND GARTH: WAYNE'S WORLD! WAYNE'S WORLD! IT'S PARTY TIME, EXCELLENT!

(Xander and Oz come out from the blackness as Wayne and Garth fade away.)
XANDER: Okay you readers, time to go read some other form of insanity, go on now! And remember, there is nothing wrong with British people!
OZ: At least nothing that can't be solved with raccoons or rabid Eskimos.

tHe EnD


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Buffy Fan Fiction / HOME

Title: Downright Insane Council of Killers
Author: Perry
E-mail: icemulder@hotmail.com
Characters: Too many to count
Rating: R for language
Disclaimer: I don't own ANYTHING!!!
Summary: A really long, really crazy crossover between Buffy and Austin Powers. Well, the world of Austin Powers. Austin is dead, and Britain needs the slayer's help to fight Dr. Evil. Will Buffy be able to save the kidnapped Oz, the rapidly gay-ing Willow or anyone else? Will Dr. Evil be able to openly admit to being an idiot? Will he find the time to advertise to EVERY one of his sponsors?
Author's notes: This is filled with little inside jokes, that perhaps only I will ever understand. ***A million Cool points to anyone who laughed at the star swipe!!